It’s been a hard week and a half: a dangerous demagogue is president-elect, hate crimes are on the rise, abortion rights are under attack, etc., which is why it’s more important than ever to think positively and devote some time to those who are working hard to make the world a better place: Men.
I love men so much, and think it’s a shame that they don’t get enough credit for all they do. I don’t know about you, but I think it’s an honor to give them another day on which we celebrate their accomplishments and put their needs ahead of ours.
Take a second to think of all the amazing things men have contributed to the world: the polio vaccine, the Sistine Chapel, Buzzfeed, the enduring success of Kid Rock and hockey, WWII, approximately a billion books about WWII. I could go on and guess what? I WILL go on, because that’s how much I love men: We can also thank men for the wage gap, polo shirts, fascism, a lack of opportunities for upward mobility for women in the workplace, David Foster Wallace, the Hitler Youth haircut, the Lord of the Rings series, the colonization of Africa, the colonization of India, the colonization of the Americas, not to mention FREAKIN’ Columbus Day!
Also: the invention of the airplane, the invention of lightbulbs, clitorectomies, “Ignition (Remix),” the Fat Jew, legally mandated funerals for aborted fetal tissue, Nike shoes, the NFL, a culture of pro sports that allows young men to go unpunished for beating their wives and girlfriends, but kills them off with CTE when they’re no longer useful. While we’re on the subject of killing and other criminal behavior: Jack the Ripper, Jack the Ripper tourism, Jeffrey Dahmer, the vast majority of mass shootings, guns, genocide, ISIS, the Catholic Church, bride-kidnapping!
DEEP BREATH: duct tape wallets, camouflage-pattern cummerbunds, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-un, the Chainsmokers, the Iron Curtain, Ross from Friends, the phrase “I didn’t know we were exclusive,” the Model T, the art of Jeff Koons, Gawker Media, the death of Gawker Media, the Titanic, the Hindenburg, the Atlantic slave trade, the Wounded Knee massacre, Joseph McCarthy, Josef Stalin, Freud, the inexplicable popularity of IPAs, and HBO’s Entourage.
Let’s also not forget to thank men for failing upwards, threatening to “turn this car around right now if you kids don’t shut up,” constantly recommending that you download apps as if your phone is MADE of data. The musicals of Andrew Lloyd Webber, the buildings of Frank Lloyd Wright, the Iraq war, friendly reminders that we’d be a lot prettier if we smiled or lost a couple pounds, Kanye West’s thoughts on Donald Trump, Donald Trump, and the latest Justin Bieber album, which we all agree was a surprising banger.
Thank you, men, for all that you do. Enjoy your day—all 365 of them!