A man on Manhattan’s Upper East Side attempted to shove a bag of poop down a woman’s shorts on Monday. I can’t live here anymore, bye.


CBS New York reports that the 27-year-old woman was grabbed from behind as she walked down 74th Street between First and York. The attacker grabbed her waist, tried to shove the poo bag in her pants, and, per police, groped her buttocks. In the surveillance video above, you can see him throw both the poop and what looks like a glove when he doesn’t succeed.

“His hands were clean, but he’s pure filth,” the New York Daily News reports, and for once I have no objections with how their bizarrely overheated re-write guys put things. A witness who works at a parking garage near where the attack took place said the woman ran in, so distraught it took her two tries to call 911. Her mother and sister arrived soon after to bring her a clean pair of clothes, he told the paper.


Police also said that it’s “unknown” whether the feces was from a human or an animal.

Even if they do figure it out, just don’t... don’t even tell me. I don’t want to know anymore. Farewell. It was the poop bag that did it.