A Look at the Fucking Ridiculousness of the Texas Abortion Debate

While attempting to fall asleep at 3 AM this morning, unable to relinquish my phone and stop refreshing Twitter even though I was in bed with my eyes half-closed, I tried to calm myself down by imagining how I would describe the political drama going down in Texas to a young person a decade or two from now, or maybe to an alien.

"A woman — shut up, it doesn't matter what kind of sneakers she was wearing — was forced to speak for nearly 13 hours without stopping or sitting. She was unjustly silenced by men who claimed they wanted to 'protect' her fellow uterus-owners. But their snakelike efforts to shut her up were thwarted by a feminist army of loud angry bitches who insisted that they could protect themselves."

Everything that happened last night at the Texas Capitol (and in the days leading up to it) was completely fucking ridiculous. It was fucking ridiculous that Governor Rick Perry snuck SB5 into the special session in the final two weeks. It was fucking ridiculous that the bill's sponsor said rape kits "clean out" a woman's body. It was fucking ridiculous that Flawless Goddess Wendy Davis had to filibuster all day and night in order to defend a woman's right to safe and legal health care. It was fucking ridiculous that her efforts were derailed because of a back brace. It was fucking ridiculous that women had to scream, scream, scream to be heard. “At what point must a female Senator raise her hand or her voice to be recognized over the male colleagues in the room?” was one of the best quotes of the night. ("Let's protect women's sacred wombs, but GOD FORBID they ever try to make their own decisions or speak or take care of their spine.")

It was fucking ridiculous that the timestamp on the Capitol website and on Senate documents ~mysteriously~ changed from June 26th to June 25th. Good one, guys!!

It was fucking ridiculous that #SB5 was trending nationwide while CNN reported on blueberry muffins.

It was fucking ridiculous that Texas Republican legislator Bill Zedler called the protesters supporting a woman's right to choose "terrorists." (Well, "terrorist," because he's horrible at life and grammar.)

It was a fucking relief but still fucking ridiculous that Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst told the Senate floor at 3:01 AM that, “regrettably, the constitutional time expired” on the special session. “It’s been fun, but, uh, see you soon,” he said. Oh yeah, was it fucking fun, you dick?

“An unruly mob, using Occupy Wall Street tactics, disrupted the Senate from protecting unborn babies,” he told reporters. EXACTLY. "The people can't come and create so much of a ruckus that we can't do our job," said state Sen. Dan Patrick.

But they can, and they did. That was the only part of the night that wasn't fucking ridiculous.

"Wait, so who was this mythical straw woman that the Texas GOP was trying to protect?" my future daughter/extraterrestrial friend might ask me. "Excellent question!" I'll say. "She wasn't one of the hundreds of protesters at the Capitol last night. She wasn't one of the tens of thousands of people tweeting about SB5. She probably doesn't live in Texas, since a bipartisan poll found 80% of Texans opposed the bill. She's not a fetus, because fetuses don't necessitate or care about government protection since they're not real people. She doesn't exist."

Today, Ohio Republicans added similar restrictions to a new budget bill. All in the name of protecting women's health, obvs! The fight goes on. But in Texas, a feminist army of loud angry bitches beat the GOP. And that's not ridiculous at all.

[Texas Tribune]