A Haircut So Special Only Rich People Understand It

How is it possible to read two thousand words describing a haircut and come away with no idea what the hell Vogue‘s Plum Sykes is talking about? Is this some kind of weird, fashionista code?

Writes Sykes (natch) in Vogue (natcher) about Gwyneth (natchest),

For Gwyneth Paltrow, radically changing her signature look last spring was a major personal and commercial decision. She explains,”I was shooting…and Orlando Pita was blowdrying my long blonde hair, and I was like, ‘I actually can’t take it anymore! lease cut off my hair!’ He was like, ‘What?’ So we called Mario Testino [who was shooting the pictures]. And I texted Aerin Lauder [creative director at Estee Lauder, where Paltrow has a contract] to say, ‘Is it OK?’ She said it was OK. So I cut it off. I felt like a weight was lifted.” Her new hair enabled her to pull off a new style sleek minidresses, vertiginous avantgarde heels and, of course, to launch legions of imitators.”I trimmed it a bit shorter after that, and Orlando said, ‘Everyone’s coming in and asking for this short hair.'”

The haircut, described variously as “perfect, coolly swingy length,” “this new weird length,” and not a haircut at all but “a hair length,” should, according to one hairdresser, “appear blunt but should never be blunt, as blunt looks cheap.” It shows off Sykes’ “very long” neck. It sounds like shoulder-length but oh, wait: “If the hair grows too much and starts resting on the shoulders, suddenly your look goes from fashiony glam to soccer mom.”

All I can ascertain is that it’s perfect. “It’s perfect in the sense that if you put it into a ponytail, it’s still cool. It’s still got an attitude.” “You can wear more things: With prints and florals you look polished rather than boho, and with sexy things it looks chic as opposed to cheap. I barely even need a blowout.” But oh noes! Now everyone has the mysterious, perfect haircut!

I called Lauren Santo Domingo the next morning to discuss the elated disposition this hair produces. She was still thrilled with her hair, although there was one downside.”I made Valery promise he wouldn’t do the same cut for everyone else,” she said, and then let out a wistful long sigh:”But everyone is going to him for shorter hair. So now we all have the same hair. Again.

Don’t worry, Plum: the proles have absolutely no idea what you’re on about. Your perfect haircut is safe.