A 100% Foolproof Guide to Not Having Your Nudes Leaked Online

By Erin Gloria Ryan  |  September 5, 2014 | 5:30pm
A 100% Foolproof Guide to Not Having Your Nudes Leaked Online
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Hard to believe that only a short week ago, the vast majority of online masturbators hadn’t seen private photos of Jennifer Lawrence stolen by hackers. But, we live in a post-fappening world, and there are lessons to be learned from it. Take heed of them, celebrities and non-celebrities alike, or inevitably find your own ass plastered all over Reddit.

Sure, some helpful pundits offered Monday Morning Quarterback-style advice to celebrities with time machines who wish to go back and erase what already happened. Don’t take nude photos! they said. Don’t upload your nude photos to the cloud! Delete your nude photos right away! Only take nude photos using a polaroid camera! Skin or grin, always! Two-step verification!

Those precautions don’t go far enough, though. Because, if history is any indicator, people determined to masturbate to illegally obtained images of naked people will figure out a way to do it. After we’ve hammered down out how to use drones to more accurately kill other human beings, we will use them to take pictures of people’s butts. Mark my words.

So, with that in mind, here are some 100% foolproof tips keep nude photos of your tits and ass from being taken hostage by jaundiced neckbeards.

Avoid being a woman

Do dick pics leak? Sure they do! But The Fappening wasn’t interested in dicks, nor are leaked dicks treated as anything noteworthy unless they were sent to someone else who may or may not have requested them. Architects of The Fappening wanted lady parts, glorious lady parts, displayed without the consent of the ladies for their pleasure and consumption. If you can, avoid being female. Easy.

Avoid being naked at any time

Hard for people to leak naked photos of you when you never take off your clothes. If a doctor or medical professional asks you to do it, nice try, Dr. Feelgood, but these clothes are staying on. Use your x-ray machine to diagnose skin cancer.

Don’t use cellular telephones or computers

Earlier this year, 20-year-old Jared James Abrahams was sentenced to a year and a half of hard time after he hacked into the webcams of former Miss Teen USA Cassidy Wolf and other women and took photos of them in various states of undress. Abrahams then used those photos’ existence to try to blackmail Wolf and other women into stripping for him on camera.

All of this could have been avoided if Wolf and the other women victimized by Abrahams had simply disavowed using the technology that has become indispensable for social and professional existence in the modern world.

Avoid success

The more people know who you are, the more likely people are to give a shit that you’re naked. So avoid being known. Shrink into the background. If you must leave your house, do so with a paper bag over your head and a shitty attitude in your heart. Don’t be good at your job. Do not win awards. Do not make a lot of money being the best at something.

Fade, fade, fade. Shrink, shrink, shrink.

Consider the Amish

Some sects of the Amish faith believe that having a photo taken steals a portion of the subject’s soul. Maybe they’re right. Maybe none of us should have our photos taken by anything, ever. Maybe the soul is an attractive nude.

Avoid being sexually attractive

Nobody wants to look at pictures of unattractive women.

Wait. Actually, some people do. Average ones, too. As long as there is buttcrack or boobies or the implication of either.

Never mind. This tip won’t work.

Look into becoming a supernatural being that doesn’t have a reflection or register in photos

Vampires are hot right now. So are ghosts and witches. Look into becoming one of those, especially if any of them have the spooky power of not appearing in mirrors or on iPhone cameras. At least that way, your 3 am bathroom mirror sexts to your sometimes-fuck-friend won’t feature a nude body. They’ll feature a phone floating creepily, held up by an unseen hand.

U up?

Image by Tara Jacoby

 
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