Lies I Tell My Toddler

All parents lie. My parents, your parents, your grandparents, me, and, if you're a parent, you. This is not, as our teenage selves suspect, due to any malicious desire to manipulate and deceive. Lying to our children is a goodamn necessity to make every day existence not only a harmonious as possible, but bearable. To… » 7/09/14 8:59pm 55 minutes ago

According to KTRK in Houston, a shooting has left five people dead in north Harris County. Two children were reportedly injured during the shooting. The shooter is still at large. A vehicle fled the scene, leading police on a chase. The car was stopped in a cul-de-sac; live footage of the standoff can be seen here. » 7/09/14 8:11pm Today 8:11pm

Elisabeth Hasselbeck Is PISSED About Rosie Possibly Rejoining The View

Aaaaaahahaahahahaahahahaaha. World's sourest little grape Elisabeth Hasselbeck called in to Fox & Friends today to express her ABSOLUTE OUTRAGE that horrid anti-American professional troop-maker-cryer Rosie O'Donnell is in talks to rejoin the cast of The View. You may remember O'Donnell and Hasselbeck's relationship… » 7/09/14 8:00pm Today 8:00pm

Apple Will Engrave 'Penis' on Your iPad but Not 'Vagina' or 'Clit'

Today in absolutely fucking absurd and transparent gender bias rooted in the widespread male terror of women's mysterious, swampy genitals, Apple apparently refuses to engrave "vagina" or "clit" on anyone's iPad! You can, however, get "penis" or "dick" permanently etched into your electronics with no trouble… » 7/09/14 7:00pm Today 7:00pm

Guy Who Wrote Book on How Not to Get Gored by Bulls Gets Gored by Bull

A Chicago author who literally wrote the book on not getting gored by a bull got gored by a bull in Pamplona today. Bill Hillmann, the 32-year-old author of Fiesta: How to Survive the Bulls of Pamplona, sustained serious but not life-threatening injuries after being gored twice in his right thigh during the annual… » 7/09/14 5:45pm Today 5:45pm