$90 Slim Engagement Box Solves Marriage Crisis

By Tracy Moore  |  September 9, 2014 | 4:00pm

You thought marriages ended too often because they are outdated, sexist arrangements that are flawed to begin with, but maybe it is because the box that the engagement ring comes in is obvious and bulky. Solution: Make the box slimmer.

In a HuffPo post about a new slim engagement ring box being rightly called a GAME-CHANGER, we learn what’s what:

Walking around the night you plan to pop the question with that awkward ring box bulging out of your back pocket is a dead giveaway.

Dead giveaway. So true. Think about it: Until now, you always knew the engagement was coming didn’t you? You could see the box! Plain as day, as obvious as a morning boner in the dappled sunlight. And then, awkwardly, for the rest of the evening, while dining at a $$$ Yelp place dressed really nice (you don’t dress nice!), and obeying proper eating etiquette with someone whose underwear holes you have memorized, you had to pretend you didn’t know what was coming all along, thanks to to that stupid, no-good obvious box.

There are literally no other signs you’re about to be proposed to.

Certainly not these:

  • Significant other suddenly nice all the time
  • Catch SO staring at you dreamily for no reason after dating 5 years
  • All your jokes are now funny
  • Hear someone panic-crying in the shower, realize it’s you
  • Flash mob gathered outside window

Seriously though, think what would happen if you couldn’t see the friggin’ box? You’d live in ignorant bliss for at least, what, 30 seconds more, give or take the set up? And not knowing for a half a minute, I’d venture a guess, might just be the thirty seconds to forever you’ve been searching for.

Thirty seconds to forever, you say, nodding your head. I like that.

Well, get a load of this:

For those who intend on keeping the proposal a surprise, packaging designer Andrew Zo has created the Clifton, a discreet engagement ring box that looks like a wallet and is just 1 centimeter thick. Genius.

Seriously look at this thing:

BAM!

Did you see that twist right at the last minute, the ring pirouetting with the grace and subtlety of a ballerina twirling mid-air?

You can barely even see it next to this wallet it is so magnificently stealthy.

It’s only $90, and that is $90 toward a better life right there.

But let’s not stop here. Imagine what other box shapes could do for your relationship:

Oval Box Shape

It’s the best face shape because it’s so versatile, which makes it a perfect candidate for best box shape to house an engagement ring and bless the course of your marriage.

Upside: Variety and flexibility mean you never get bored.

Downside: You never settle down either, too many “sunglasses” to try on.

Triangle Box Shape

There are three sides to everything, and they are all the same exact length.

Upside: Unwavering certainty. Balance.

Downside: Yawn-inducing certainty and balance.

Diamond Box Shape

Well it’s kind of a no-brainer isn’t it?

Upside: Diamond. Like in the ring. Like in the rough? Like in the way you shine. Like life. Like love. Like the tinkle of laughter floating from the mouths of children.

Downside: Death by cliché.

Round Box Shape

A circle is an unbroken connection that symbolizes the grossness of symbols.

Upside: Neverending! Like the ultimate true love.

Downside: Neverending! Like you hope things aren’t if they take a turn for the worse.

Square-ish Box Shape

Well, I have to hand it to you. I’m tempted to say the original rectangle engagement box is a bit retro, knowing what we now know. But maybe you’re on to something: Now that we’ve all been dazzled by what the Clifton can do, we seem to be already hearkening back to tradition, to the original box shape that was good enough for our parents’ divorces and their parents’ divorces and our preemptive childrens’ divorces that we’ve already handled for them so they don’t have to suffer.

Upside: Free at jewelers with purchase of ring.

Downside: Unchanged divorce rate.

But hey:

BAM!

Pretty cool though.

Images via Andrew Zo.

 
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