Holiday Gifts for the Truly Paranoid

The world is a terrifying place where literally anything could go wrong at literally any moment. And if your Christmas list includes the sort of person whose idea of a dream home includes a nuclear fallout shelter-cum-Y2K bunker-cum-biological attack shack, you’re going to give them something to assuage their unyielding paranoia.

1. Pepper Spray Phone Case Perfect for the woman (or man) who watches a lot of local news or reads a lot of feminist-ish online content (HELLO THERE), the Mace Case combines an iPhone case and debilitating self-defense spray. Plus, nothing says “don’t even fucking think about stealing my phone out of my hand as the subway doors are closing, shifty-eyed teenager” like your finger on a pepper spray button as you play Angry Birds. $39.95 [Spraytect]

2. Ultimate Emergency Auto Kit It seems like every winter, there’s another story about some woman driving alone through the Rockies only to end up stranded under a pile of snow and subsisting on ketchup packets and her own pee for weeks before being discovered. And, of course, your favorite paranoid person has spent hours in the grip of fear that one day that could happen to her. Enter the Ultimate Emergency Auto Kit, which contains provisions you’d expect — like high calorie bars, jumper cables, and a first aid kit— and some items that you might not expect, but that you’d certainly be glad to have in an emergency — like a tool that can be used to cut seatbelts, a spotlight, and a tire gauge. $140.49 [The Ready Store]

3. Defense Doormat A less practical (but fun) gift for your favorite perpetually freaked out apartment dweller who hates his neighbors. $50 [The Future Perfect]

4. Survival Wisdom & Know-How A dense, no-nonsense guide to surviving under adverse conditions for the person with very little survival training. Includes tips on identifying poisonous snakes and insects, hunting and trapping, and shelter building. Although, if you give this to your paranoid friend after December 21st, it may be too late… $13.57 [Amazon]

5. Minimergency Kit in gold glitter Not every paranoid person fears their life is in danger. Some are just overly neurotic about being stranded uptown with a bad case of humidity puff-hair, or en route to a meeting with a rip in our pants pocket. If you know a woman who always walks around with a purse full of tampons JUST IN CASE and wears three hair elastics around her wrists at all times, this kit’s for her. $13 [Flight 001]

6. Eton American Red Cross Axis Self-Powered Safety Hub It’s a radio! It’s a USB power source! It’s a flashlight! It’s an emergency beacon! And it’s power is only limited by your ability to turn the crank. $70 [REI]

7. Homesafe Hardback Book Safe Most book safes are vulnerable if discovered; this one locks and comes with two keys. Large enough to store sensitive documents and all of your jeew-elles. Nondescript enough to hide your weed. (As a non-habitual drug user, I sure spend a lot of time thinking about good places to hide drugs.) $19.99 [The Container Store]

8. The Rough Guide to Conspiracy Theories A great way to make a paranoid person feel less nuts. Or just give them more to worry about. $13.04 [Barnes & Noble]

9. Soothing Sleep Assistant Maybe what the paranoid person in your life really needs is a good night’s rest. $49.99 [Sharper Image]