"They're like these weird nutrition bars my mom uses to lose weight." —Cady Heron, Mean Girls.
Yesterday, we implored you to help us brainstorm some gifts for the toxic friend in your life, and came up with some ideas of our own. As a result, this roundup is as diverse and inclusive as there are types of terrible fucking people in the world with like, one or two redeeming qualities, who you grudgingly deal with on a daily basis. Get them something on this list. Or, you know, see a shrink.
1. Chateau Diana cabernet sauvignon. This, White Zinfandel and Boone's Farm are the wine of champions. "I could have gotten you a nice Malbec, but, like, it's not like you'd know the difference, hahaha." $6.99 [Shop-Rite]
2. A candle. Explains commenter @lunchcoma, "It's the universal signal that you realize you owe the person a present, but don't actually want to put much time or thought into its purchase. If the frenemy is closer to the enemy side of the spectrum, select one with an especially foul scent." Foul scents are obviously a personal thing, but I hate roses, so let's just use that. Extra points for one of those massive jar-style candles. This would also work. $27.99 [Yankee Candle]
3. Baby picture frame. For the frenemy with child, this generic, vaguely creepy frame won't run you that much, and might make her stop talking incessantly about said child. (Like when you held the kid that time, and she threw back her head and laughed: "YOU! Holding a BABY!") $19.99 [Amazon]
4. The Office: Season 7 on DVD. Commenter @GoAxAlice is taking no mercy this year: this is only the highlight of a list that also includes a yellow Sharpie, a 50 Shades of Grey book on tape, a $5 gift card to Olive Garden and paint-by-numbers you made. Unframed. (As @julieanne responded, "Damn that's cold.") $39.98 [NBC Universal Store]
5. A mid-priced Groupon for something kind of useless in an out-of-the-way area. All I want for Christmas is for my frenemy to go to Queens and get mink eyelashes! ("Really? You've never thought about mink eyelashes? I mean, maybe you don't need to, but I totally thought of you when I saw this.") Another good Groupon option: a colonic in Midwood. $45.00 [Groupon]
6. Any weird-ass off-brand Dollar Store chocolate. Also works for candles (see #2). $1.00 [Dollar Tree]
7. Wedding book. Commenter @Pegasaurus perceptively writes, "The trick is slathering your malicious glee with dollops and dollops of innocent sincerity... [One example is] a wedding planning book. Best if she and her SO have been dating 4EVER and you know it's a sore point. ('Never to early to start planning!')" $12.47 [Barnes & Noble]
8. A tacky, touchy-feely calendar. "365 Meditations and Reflectons For Women Who Do Too Much: The Page-A-Day 2013 Desk Calendar," or anything else found in the dreaded "Women's Inspiration" section, often heavily discounted right after Christmas, is perfect for the frenemy in your life. If not this, then how about a sassy old cartoon woman? $12.99 [Calendars.com]
9. A Brookstone gift card for approximately $9.99. Too little to buy a neck massager, too much to waste. Also known as "catalyst for your frenemy to spend $50 or over on a neck massager she'll never use." $9.99 [Brookstone]
10. For the ex-boyfriend who has everything, there's nothing like some foot odor spray to remind him his shit stinks. (Good whether or not he actually has foot odor problems or not—gotta keep him on his toes.) Also a great gift for the guy you knew in high school who's currently crashing on your couch in between music festivals but whose hygiene seems to have been lost at Burning Man. $10.00 [The Body Shop]