Hillary Clinton Cannot Resist HGTV’s Sexiest Home Improvement Show

Hillary Clinton, according to a speculative article in the New York Times, is looking forward to her hard-earned retirement after traveling the world almost nonstop for the past four years like a more badass, sunglasses-on-the-private-jet version of James Bond. Whatever will she do next, now that so many doors seem to be yawning open before her? Will she run for president? Will she go on a peyote-induced vision quest through desert, where she’ll petition Sox and Buddy, her spirit animal guides, for advice? Will she be the first person to travel to Mars and tell the Martians, in no uncertain terms, that she will not tolerate any of their bullshit, and btw it’s nice to meet them? Fuck no — Hillary Clinton is going to watch HGTV, workout a little bit, and nap probably in the magic silk pajamas given to her by a Turkish wizard.

Clinton has been annoyingly evasive about what her next (professional) step will be, which is fine because she’s probably tired and it’s nobody’s business anyway. She’s perfectly willing, however, to discuss her leisure activities, which awesomely include a lot of HGTV viewing, most notably network’s most sexually-charged competition show, Love It or List It:

Her top pick is “Love It or List It,” in which a couple who are unhappy with their current residence gets to look at new houses while a decorator rehabs their old place. The plot arc is always the same, and in a way, it’s sort of Clintonesque. The redecorators find termites or a leaky furnace; the house search goes awry. Everybody’s upset! But after a lot of hard work and the final commercial, there’s a happy ending.

Of course, we all know that the “happy ending” (it’s never a happy ending for everyone because it’s a competition show, duh) is just a polite smokescreen for the show’s true appeal, which is the undeniable sexual tension between home designer Hilary Farr and smarmy real estate douche David Visentin, who I swear to God I’ve seen more than once use his thumb and forefingers as six-shooters when he asks, “Or, are you gonna list it? Because your home, in its current state, is only useful as a litterbox for feral cats.” The Farr/Visentin competitive power dynamic no doubt reminds Secretary Clinton of Antony and Cleopatra, but she’d never say that, of course — she’s not going to condescend to the American people. You either get it, or you don’t, just like you either understand or that after each taping of Love It or List It, Farr and Visentin enjoy several drinks at the local Applebee’s before having epic hate sex in a Holiday Inn business suite, or you think that they’re competitiveness is all staged.