There's No Female Bond Because Women Don't Ever Just Bang Someone For The Fun Of It, Doy

Just in time for the release of Skyfall, there’s a lengthy piece on Hollywod.com about the lack of female Bond figures, short of a few facsimiles who hardly stand the same test of time: Sydney Bristow from Alias, say, and damn near every Angelina Jolie franchise. Two primary issues are cited as the roadblocks between us and a woman Bond: most of the major iconic characters in film today are reboots of old-school creations from the ’50s and ’60s, a period hardly known for its liberal amount of ass-kicking ladies in entertainment. The other problem cuts closer to the bone: part of Bond’s legacy is sleeping with ladies and bouncing, as evidenced by the rotating cabal of Bond girls, but studios persist in giving female spy characters romantic rather than solely sexual encounters.

It also seems relevant to bring up This Is War, a spy rom-com that came out last Valentine’s Day wherein uber-CIA agents Tom Hardy and Chris Pine feud over Reese Witherspoon, Just A Nice Normal Gal, Who Has (And Loves!) Her Nice Normal Job Testing Kitchen Products In A Lab. “I can’t sleep with both of them, can I?” wonders Reese. (Chelsea Handler, playing her horny older sister, informs her that she can.) “OOH-WEE,” replies Reese with a randy chuckle, “YOU ARE SO BAD CHELSEA HANDLER. BUT PERHAPS, VERILY.”

Hopefully we eventually break this pattern, or else we’ll be dealing with some godawful loglines in the next few years. (“Secret Agent Theodora ‘Teddy’ Rhodes Is About To Unravel The Biggest International Threat of All… Her Heart. Loosen Your No-Nonsense Ponytail This Christmas, 2017.”)