My Ten Favorite Kinds of Right-Wing Temper Tantrums
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I remember how I felt when George W. Bush was reelected in 2004—that pit of absolute unthinkable, desparate despair—and so I guess I should have a little more sympathy for the 150 Million Waaahmbulances of the Apocalypse currently flailing all over Twitter. And, beyond that, I should probably be sad about the overt racism of our conservative youngsters and frightened at the gun-nuttiness of our gun nuts.
However. At least for right now, I AM NOT. I am just 99% completely fucking delighted by every single weepy right-wing temper tantrum. I can’t stop hate-reading. I can’t stop. And you know what? I don’t need to stop. It’s not like this was some arbitrary election for Homecoming Court—where we were choosing between Mitt Romney’s totally on-trend bangs and Barack Obama’s ability to pull off a structured blazer. The party that my team defeated on Tuesday was a nebulous, fiscally disastrous pitchfork mob—united by racism, xenophobia, self-interest, willful ignorance, hatred of the poor, and a puritanical desire to deny my gay friends their civil rights and me, PERSONALLY, equal access to health care and basic humanity. That’s about as ungracious as it gets. So fuck being gracious.

Maybe in a few weeks I’ll be ready to aim higher. To aim for class. But right now:

1. I Am Seceding from Society and Living in a Bunker!!!
Man. This guy:
Starting early this morning, I am going to un-friend every single individual on Facebook who voted for Obama, or I even suspect may have Democrat leanings. I will do the same in person. All family and friends, even close family and friends, who I know to be Democrats are hereby dead to me. I vow never to speak to them again for the rest of my life, or have any communications with them. They are in short, the enemies of liberty. They deserve nothing less than hatred and utter contempt.
I strongly urge all other libertarians to do the same. Are you married to someone who voted for Obama, have a girlfriend who voted ‘O’. Divorce them. Break up with them without haste. Vow not to attend family functions, Thanksgiving dinner or Christmas for example, if there will be any family members in attendance who are Democrats.
Do you work for someone who voted for Obama? Quit your job. Co-workers who voted for Obama. Simply don’t talk to them in the workplace, unless your boss instructs you too for work-related only purposes. Have clients who voted Democrat? Call them up this morning and tell them to take their business elsewhere.
PLEASE NO. PLEASE DON’T PUNISH LIBERAL AMERICA BY HIDING IN A HOLE AND NEVER TALKING. PLEEEEEEEEEASE WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

2. I Am Moving to a Capitalist Paradise Such as England, Canada, or Australia!!!
Free Republic sent the actual queen a letter via owl post:
Your Majesty,
We, the people of the former American colonies, would like to offer our most sincere apology over that little misunderstanding we had 236 years ago. Had we known that we were going to be subjects anyway, we could have saved a lot of trouble and hard feelings.
We were under the mistaken belief that we would be free, sovereign citizens; we believed that our hard work would yield its own rewards without someone coming along and taking what we built in the name of “Fairness”. We thought our laws and Constitution would protect us from a foreign born dictator, and our freedom to worship would prevent us from becoming a corrupt, morally bankrupt society (silly us).
Little did we know that our own free press would intentionally sabotage, deceive and withhold the truth from us in order to reelect a Socialist that still holds distain for our nation and contempt for its founding principles. Nor did we believe that there would be so many citizens dependent on government handouts that they would blindly elect an unqualified charlatan, let alone reelect him.
Anyway, Your Grace, we are truly sorry and humbly sincerely beg your forgiveness. If you can find it in your heart to forgive us and take us back, we promise never to trade British oppression for Socialist tyranny again.
Your most humble servants,
The American People
Yes. Enjoy your socialized medicine, human genius.

3. Liberals Are Literally Monsters.
Yes. I’m sure all the sleepy grannies and the 19-year-old PoliSci majors volunteering at the polls for college credit were simply chilling.
