Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Intern Tanisha Love Ramirez braves the New York City transit system to buy the celebrity weeklies, so that we may squeeze the grapes of gossip from In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, Rihanna and Karrueche Tran are "racing" to see who can get knocked up with Chris Brown's seed first; poor lonely Taylor Swift can't find true love; and Jennifer Aniston is pregnant and about to have a Secret Kenyan Wedding. Pull out your dusty birth certificate jokes!
All lies. The not knocked-up Kourtney allegedly likes being pregnant so much that she's planning a shagcation at Bruce Willis's pad in Turks and Caicos in early spring, in the hopes of making a baby with her on-again-off-his-rocker-again boyfriend, Scott Disick. Scott's totes onboard because he gets hot and bothered at the thought of Kourtney incubating his seed. Also, the mag has discerned that Jennifer Aniston is preggers by piecing together hard evidence such as the actress holding a fake baby on the set of We're the Millers, wearing a jacket that covers her belly, and of course, flaunting her "voluptuous new curves" that happen to be just one curve located at the center of her body. So, fake baby, belly pooch and jacket=preggers? Got it. JLo and her boy-toy Casper Smart celebrated their one-year anniversary on October 25th, complete with mushy tweets, dozens of red roses and a big ol' told ya so to everyone who doubted that their love would last. Meanwhile Katie Holmes will be preparing the world's most awkward Thanksgiving meal, complete with turkey, pumpkin bars and her ex-husband, Tom Cruise. Sheesh. Lastly, it's apparently news that 40-year-old women are hot, with an entire two-page spread dishing on how Sofia Vergara, Cameron Diaz and Jennie Garth have failed to crumble into a pile of ash and Botox. Good for them!
Grade: F (fuzzy navel wine cooler)
Life & Style
"Yes, We Did It!"
The Kardashians didn't win a major presidential election or even add anything of substance or importance to society, but Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian want you to know that they did it…lose weight, that is! Khloe, tired of being the funny, "fat sister," has lost ten pounds because she realized that she "isn't the size of a typical TV host or even a contestant on The X-Factor" and won't be able to utilize crafty camera angles and cropping to her advantage on the show. Kourtney is literally running around Miami and breast feeding baby Penelope in the hopes of losing the last of the 40lbs she gained while pregnant. Also, Kim isn't interviewed for this piece, but a sidebar shares that Kimmy is totes jealous of her older/twice pregnant sister for losing weight a lot quicker than she does. Life just isn't fair! Next, in a story that would make a great premise for the next Taken movie, Prince William "swore revenge" on the photographer who took topless pics of his princess bride, and is "making good on his promise" because "No one hurts the woman he loves"! Moving along, the mag inexplicably links Britney Spears wearing earplugs during a LOUD live taping of X Factor with her allegedly rocky personal life and fragile mental state. Huh? Meanwhile, Wendy Williams thinks that Kim Kardashian was ripped off, noting that her reportedly $2,000 wig isn't worth a penny over $300. Oh, no she didn't! Finally, Tina Fey's Fey-vorite comedienne is her daughter, Alice, who has her own unique sense of humor but still needs work on her timing, with Liz Lemon's alter ego sharing, "She's [Alice] like, ‘Knock, knock. Banana! Orange!' Like she can't wait to get to that part." Hearts!
Grade: D (grape juice concentrate)
"Ready to Divorce"
Don't start itemizing their assets just yet, Khloe Kardashian and her husband Lamar Odom have not announced a split. Sighting the couple's failure to be "love-dovey" in public on Lamar's 33rd birthday the mag concludes that the once inseparable couple are on their way to a divorce. Khloe is going crazy trying to balance running from hosting gigs to basketball games, which possibly contributed to her forgetting to wear a bra on national television. Meanwhile, Lamar is mad that Khloe's flashing their personal life in front of the cameras, sharing their struggle to conceive with the masses. Meanwhile, divorced exes Katy Perry and Russell Brand were, gasp, at the same basketball game, at the same time, watching the same people bounce the same ball and run around the same court. No words or acknowledgements were exchanged, making for a very anti-climactic story. Moving on. Teen Mom's Leah Messer is five months preggers with her third daughter, conceived with her new husband Jeremy Calvert, a pipe layer. Insert pipe laying jokes here. Kailyn Lowry did the unthinkable and married her partner of one year, Jose "Javi" Marronquin, sans Teen Mom cameras, and Chelsea Houska continues to shed dignity faster than spray-tanned skin cells, as she continues to see on-again, off-again boyfriend and douche-extraordinaire, Adam Lind. Sigh! Speaking of asshats, human herpe Jesse James is back and worse than ever, promoting his latest television show, "Outlaw Garage" and playing victim alleging that the entire world got to take a shot at him following his divorce from Sandra Bullock. Oh, pa-lease! Next, the mag goes all mean-girl on celebrities, making fun of botched Botox and facial filler jobs (Fig. 1). Not suffering from an abundance of muscle-freezing poison in her face, Britney Spears amuses viewers with her over-the-top facial expressions (Fig. 2). Lastly, Snooki's rubbing off on Oprah like a bad tan on a white sheet. Check out these "Snooki-ified" pics of the queen of the small screen (Fig. 3).
Grade: D+ (sherry vinegar)
"Why She Can't Find Love"
Honestly, it seems like Taylor Swift can find love — over and over and over — so maybe a better subject to tackle would be "why she can't keep love." But also, she's 22, does she really need to be in a long term committed relationship right now? Anyway, the copy claims that TSwizzy has "learned to smile through the pain" of her latest breakup, even though all she wants is to be loved. Alas, when summer ended, so did her romance with Conor Kennedy: She had to promote her album; he had to go back to high school. A source says Taylor is "the ultimate romantic" who "dives in headfirst without always thinking" and "thinks that's what love is" and "what makes it exciting." Okay, fine, but why is this a breaking news cover story? Let's move on: Page 30 features a new picture of Zoe Saldana as Nina Simone, and her ensemble is deemed "jazzy." It's actually rather somber, but we get it (Fig. 4). In the new Glamour, Selena Gomez says she's glad she left Texas: "I'm terrified of what I would have become if I'd stayed there. I'm sure I'd have two children by now." Whoa. Emily from The Bachelorette is dating another NASCAR guy; this time it's Jason White. Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are on honeymoon in Tanzania, staying at a safari lodge "currently in the midst of a wildebeest migration." Uh-oh: stampede! Finally, in a story about how Robert Pattinson forgave Kristen Stewart for nuzzling that director in a car, a source reveals: "[Rob's] never going to froget what she did, but he has forgiven her." This confidant also insists two two aren't good enough actors to fake it for the Twilight press tour, but Krissypoo is on "relationship probation." After doing hard time, heh.
Grade: C+ (brandy)
For at least EIGHT YEARS we have been forced to endure Unsolicited Uterus Updates re: Jennifer Aniston. Remember 2004? "Now Their Baby"? We do. Sigh. Maybe it's true this time. Jen was seen "cradling her normally ultraflat belly." And the OB/Gyns of Star declare: "It's a girl!" Aniston broke the news to Courtenay Cox by asking her if she was ready to be a godmother. And Jen and Justin Theroux — J'Anthrax — want a safari-themed nursery. BUT WAIT. There's more: Jen and Justin will get married in Kenya! Alleged birthplace of our President! Just the plot twist this fabricated story needs! "Secret African wedding!" Oh, sure, the text of the sidebar about the ceremony uses a lot of uncertain words like "could" and "love the idea" and "considering" "and "would" but come on. Secret. African. Wedding. That shit is priceless, like a giant blood diamond. (Fig. 5) Also inside: Rihanna and Karrueche Tran are "racing" to see who can get knocked up with Chris Brown's baby first. Karrueche has no money and RiRi says Breezy is the only man she's only loved, so they both want to hang on to him and think a baby is the way to do it. Right now we are doing that gesture where you point your fingers at your head like they're a gun and pull the trigger. Next, Christina Aguilera got drunk and hit on Vanessa Hudgens. They were grinding on the dancefloor at a party, then Xtina "begged" Nessa to come back home with her and boyfriend Matt. VH was all, um, thanks but no thanks! What else? Ashton Kutcher wants to marry Mila Kunis, who is maybe carrying their bébé, except whoops, he's not divorced yet. The Brangelina narrative has reverted back to Angie having a "health crisis" and weighing 98 lbs., which is the magic number Star pulls out of the air frequently. This time around Brad "regrets ever proposing, since he and Angelina have a "sick, twisted" relationship in which she gets depressed and stops eating, which gets his attention, and he then lavishes attention on her, trying to make her happy again, which, doesn't sound THAT bad? It would be worse if he didn't give a shit. Finally, and this is pretty epic — even for Star — a hair story titled: "Are You Bang-Able?" Boom. (Fig. 6)
Grade: B- (Two Buck Chuck)
Fig. 1, from In Touch
Fig. 2, from In Touch
Fig. 3, from In Touch
Fig. 4, from Us
Fig. 5, from Star
Fig. 6, from Star