The Least Practical Items From Oprah's $18,000 Favorite Things List, Measured in Gwyneth Paltrows

Even in the face of tragedy, the buying of expensive crap must go on. At least, if you’re Oprah. And so, while entire towns are still closed off in New Jersey and children in Staten Island don’t have shoes, Oprah released a resurrected version of her famed Favorite Things list filled with even higher frivolity-level tchotchkes than usual. WORST TIMING EVER, OPRAH. Couldn’t you at least wait for the smoke over Breezy Point to clear?

From a $2,700 mattress to a $500 fan, Oprah’s list showcased items far beyond the reach of most consumers. We’ve picked out the most oblivious, tone-deaf bits and rated them for you on a scale of one to five Paltrows, in honor of Goop matron Gwyneth, a pioneer in out of touch rich lady recommendations.

Lafco’s 14 soap set will set you back $238, or $17 apiece. Ivory Soap is like $1 a bar. Both get you clean! Only one makes you literally smell fruity and irresistibly rob-able.

Four Paltrows.

Reverb Hard Headed Helmet, $60, or $48 with OPRAH code. Paying for a decent bike helmet is worth it, and this is sort of cute.

One Paltrow. I’d buy it.

Gourmet Pigs in a Blanket artisanal hot dogs wrapped in dough by These Little Piggies, 56-count box PLUS DIPS, $85, but $68 with special OPRAH coupon code. Call them glorified hot dogs (poor people food!) all you want, but have you considered that perhaps they are made up of very fancy meat scraps? Perhaps zoo tigers? Who’s the foolhardy rube now?!

Five Paltrows

Casa Dragones Sipping Tequila, $275.Oprah says it’s so delicious that you just drink it like water. Empty bottles can be used to carry desperate PLEASE SEND HELP notes to the mainland.

Three Paltrows

Lancer Skin Care Luxury Collection. $250. For that hard-to-buy person on your Christmas list to whom you want to send the message: You need skin help, and it is worth $250 to me to provide that help to you. In future post apocalyptic Bartertown scenario, can be used as a substitute for butter.

Two Paltrows

Earth Balance Gift Pack. $15 “I am passionate about this coconut and peanut spread,” says Oprah. I believe that’s all you need to know.

Three Paltrows.Would be four Paltrows if it cost more than $25 for two things of fancy peanut butter.

Back Home Pajama Set by Born to Lounge. $160.00.Oprah reports she could live in them.

Two Paltrows

Pipcorn Holiday Crate, $88 for four flavors of gourmet, hulless, naturally grown, popped in small batches popcorn. Comes in decorative rustic looking crate. Get one for your secretery!

Four Paltrows

TOTAL COST? $18,783.50. MONEY THAT COULDN’T POSSIBLY BE PUT TO BETTER USE.