Meet Moses, the 220 pounds 7-month-old (NO JUDGEMENT) baby ellie who was found in the reeds of a riverbank in Malawi. It's believed that his mom was killed by poachers, which is apparently on the rise. Great.
The rangers proceeded to take Moses to Jenny Webb, founder of the Jumbo Foundation (aww), an orphanage for large animals (aww), and the new recipients of my entire paycheck forever. It is there that Webb gets to live the dream of spooning a baby elephant every night:
She sleeps with Moses on a mattress on the dining room floor, gets up to feed him at night, puts sunscreen on him to protect his sensitive skin (in the wild, elephant calves find shade by standing underneath their mothers, but clearly that's not going to work here), and shows him how to do elephant things like take dust baths.
I honestly cannot think of anything better. Maybe if Moses also knew how to cook and clean? But that's just fantasy, I want something attainable. If you need more teeny-weeny ellie love in your life, check out Webb's blog about Moses. If you need me, I'll be over there, compulsively hitting refresh.