Bad news, guys: it doesn't always get better, if the middle school-worthy drama that's going on in Ohio's Hocking County courtroom is anything to go by.
Here's what happened (I think; the story is as hard to follow as a note passed around a classroom by a bunch of bitchy 7th graders with gel pens and bad cursive skills): Republican lawyer Jason Sarver told a "businessman" friend that a judge asked County Prosecutor Laina Fetherolf, who is currently seeking her second term, to change her dark-colored underwear in the courtroom because it was showing through her light-colored dress. According to Sarver, Fetherolf subsequently went into the men's room (why?), removed her underwear, and placed them in evidence before the judge.
That would've made for an awesome Ally McBeal episode, but both Fetherolf and the judge in question say it never happened. When Fetherolf first heard the rumor in a letter from the businessman who heard it from Regina George/Sarver, she tried to laugh it off, but finally asked the Ohio Elections Commission to look into it after it started to spread throughout the community.
"I've heard about it from multiple people," she told the Columbus Dispatch. "Everybody in Logan is talking about this story he made up."
Even though the judge agreed with the prosecutor — "No panties have ever been placed on my bench by anyone, including her," he wryly confirmed — the elections commission dismissed Fetherolf's complaint "because it was not based on personal knowledge and was neither a public statement nor campaign literature." Fetherolf also asked Sarver to publicly retract the story via newspaper and radio advertisements, but he allegedly never responded — presumably because the only thing more embarrassing than being the butt of a joke involving your underwear is apologizing for being an adult man who made up a rumor involving someone else's underwear.
If Sarver really spread the rumor, Fetherolf deserves more than giggles and a newspaper story that tries to fit the word "panties" in as much as is humanly possible. (Eight times!! In a really short article! It's called UNDERWEAR. "Panties" falls somewhere between "moist" and "cutlet" on the list of Worst Words Ever.)
But, since it looks like Fetherolf will have to take matters into her own hands, maybe she should stoop down to his level and pull his pants down in public so we can all see his panties. Oh, sorry, it's only funny when we call women's underwear "panties" — my bad.
Image via Ruslan KudrinShutterstock.
Election commission dismisses prosecutor's panties complaint [The Columbus Dispatch]