Fiona Apple, having having made her first public statement about her Hudspeth County, Texas arrest for marijuana possession, has received a response in the form of an open letter from the Hudspeth Sheriff's Department's Public Information Officer Rusty Fleming. Over the weekend, Apple opened up about her arrest to an audience in Houston, claiming that, while the majority of the staff treated her well, four individuals acted in a way that was "inappropriate and probably illegal." So far, she has yet to name names, but threatens to make whoever was responsible "fucking famous."
And now for the painfully patronizing retort from Rusty Fleming (whose name sounds like an obscure sex act):
First, Honey, I'm already more famous than you, I don't need your help. However, it would appear that you need mine.
Two weeks ago nobody in the country cared about what you had to say, — now that you've been arrested it appears your entire career has been jump-started. Don't worry Sweetie, I won't bill you...
Next, have you ever heard of Snoop, Willie or Armand Hammer? Maybe if you would read something besides your own press releases, you would have known BEFORE you got here, that if you come to Texas with dope, the cops will take your DOPE away and put YOU in jail...
Even though you and I only met briefly in the hallway, I don't know you but I'm sure you're an awesome and talented young woman and even though I'm not a fan of yours, I am sure there are thousands of them out there, and I'm sure that they would just as soon you get this all behind you and let you go back to what you do best — so my last piece of advice is simple "just shut-up and sing."
Fiona. Honey. Sweetie. Baby. Cupcake. Rusty Fleming ("Boy is a freak. He wanted me to try the Rusty Fleming") is already more famous than you so why don't you shut your dumb woman's mouth about the time you feel like you were unjustly treated by the legal system? Or, if you're gonna open it, why not use it to sing some pretty little ladies' songs about hairdos or that time your boyfriend went and got you a sub, but accidentally bought it from the sandwich shop that you hate instead of the sandwich shop that you love and you spent all that time pouting about it? That's Fleming's advice anyway — he thinks you could be an awesome and talented young woman with a booming career — a career that shouldn't have to be jumpstarted by him — if you quit talking about what's important in your life right now.
You could listen to him or you could just show him your platinum records, your Grammy, have him listen to your new album and tell him fuck off. The choice is yours!