Rick Santorum Finally Publicly Acknowledges that Values Voters are Idiots

In a rare moment of reach-across-the-aisle candor, human fartstack Rick Santorum conveyed to the Values Voters Summit something polite people had been thinking but hesitated to say in public: Values Voters are dum-dums. Really.

The statement came during a speech from the former Pennsylvania Senator and hilarious Presidential candidate at the celebration of puritanical Chick-fil-A values known as the Values Voters Summit, which was held this weekend in Washington. During the talk, captured by Right Wing Watch, he said,

We will never have the elite, smart people on our side, because they believe they should have the power to tell you what to do. So our colleges and universities, they’re not going to be on our side.

Yeah, people who are better at thinking will never agree with us, but fuck ’em. Full speed ahead with the less good thinky people. Can you imagine what would happen if you applied for a job (a job that’s not at the Heritage foundation) with a cover letter that said something like “Sure, the other applicants might have gone to fancy schools and learned things about mechanical engineering or how to write in proper English but those candidates just want to barge in here and make your business better with their superior knowledge and skill sets. Hire me, because I’m stupid. Can you imagine going to a doctor who was like, I learned my craft on the STREETS sewin’ up pigeons. I don’t need fancy medical school reigning me in! Oh, government. No wonder so many people make their living drawing silly pictures about you.

Also during the summit, which is basically a pro-patriarchy pep rally for people who you do not want to invite to parties, conservatives trotted out the old 2012-behind-closed-doors trope — Sure, out there we’re acting like the economy is what’s important for this election, but we all know what this is really about — buttsecks and the reigning in of loose women.

It also should be noted that Santorum’s doing his best Clinton here (clearly, someone’s been taking classes at The Groundlings after dropping out of the GOP primary), but it’s coming across less like Slick Willy and more like a constipated Grand Wizard. Keep at it, little guy. Maybe one day you’ll make it on one of those dancing shows.