World's Worst Son 'Rubs Dog Defecation' in Mom's Face During Argument

It’s a classic tale: Son demands vodka, mother yells at son, son acquires feces, son smears feces in mother’s face, son goes to jail. (Or, the short version: Florida.)

Via the Smoking Gun:

Cops arrested William Jenkins, 22, on a felony domestic battery charge for pushing his mother, 53, to the floor during the dispute, according to a Palmetto Police Department report.

When questioned by cops, Jenkins denied pushing his mother, but admitted that he “did rub dog defecation on her face because she yelled at him,” investigators noted.

The confrontation between Jenkins, pictured in the adjacent mug shot, was apparently prompted by his mother’s refusal to provide him with a shot of vodka.

Jenkins retrieved the dog feces from the home’s back porch, where his mother’s dog had relieved itself. He “then reached down with his hand picked up the dog defecation and rubbed it in his mother’s face,” cops reported.

Ah, yes. Nothing like the old, “I didn’t push her—I just rubbed shit in her face, JEEZ” defense. The whole thing went down in Manatee County, Florida, which makes everything better because then you can pretend that the entire police department is staffed by actual manatees in tiny caps. And then the detective manatee goes a little off the rails and the chief manatee is like, “Jimmy, you’re getting too close to this case! Give me your gun and badge!” and Jimmy’s like, “Chief, I can nail this guy!” and then they both get distracted and go munch kelp. Manatee County. That’s free, Hollywood. That’s for you.