Chick-fil-A's Delicious Chicken Sandwiches Are Deep Fried in Hate

The head of Chick-fil-A confirmed yesterday what liberal worrywarts have been warning oblivious sandwich eaters about for years: he really can’t stand the homos. That’s bad news, if you’re a Chick-fil-A connoisseur — the delicious deep fried poultry treat you’ve been putting in your face all these years is not only bad for your cardiovascular system, it’s bad for your soul. It’s bad for society!

Chick-fil-A’s President Dan Cathy made the announcement that it’s actually been Dick-fil-A all along in an interview with the Baptist Press that was posted earlier this week. In it, the multimillionaire restaurant owner ah-hyucked his way through an explanation of why his chain of restaurants gives so much money to anti-gay groups. It’s not that they don’t like gays, it’s that they think gay people are, um, an abomination. “Guilty as charged!” he said.

He went on,

We are very much supportive of the family — the biblical definition of the family unit. We are a family-owned business, a family-led business, and we are married to our first wives. We give God thanks for that…we know that it might not be popular with everyone, but thank the Lord, we live in a country where we can share our values and operate on biblical principles.

Biblical definition of the family unit, eh? So, like the sort of biblical marriage that relies on mother-son incest (because if Eve was the only woman, then where did Cain find his wife?) to populate the world with humans? How about the sort of Bible marriage that forces a rape victim to marry her rapist (Deuteronomy 22:28-29)? Or the sort of traditional biblical definition of a family unit that includes a king and his 700 wives or the handful of other references to polygamy in the Good Book? How about a man and a female prisoner of war (Deuteronomy 21:11-14)? Between a male slave and a female slave (Exodus 21:4)? Or how about Levirite marriages, where a woman is widowed without a son and it becomes her brother-in-law’s job to knock her up (Gen. 38:6-10)? Does Dan Cathy know that other people can read Bibles too?

Lesson: don’t eat at Chick-fil-A. Not only are the owners bigoted jerks, if you get sexually assaulted in the parking lot, you’ll have to marry the guy. It’s the biblical way.