The Real Way to Poop at Work with 100% Secrecy

Ahhh, big stinky poops. Nature’s garbage. I know you make them, and I know you are ashamed. So what to do, ladies, what to do, when you really need to “drop the Westboro Baptist Church off at the pool,” but you’re trapped at the office where people you know might find out about your disgusting butt-bigots!? Panic? No. Weep? Maybe. Luckily, the world’s leading butt scientist (me) has worked out a foolproof guide to “anonymously commenting on the toilet’s blog,” if you catch my meaning. (I mean stealth-pooping at work.) Let’s do this shit. Literally, amirite?

Now, first of all, this is obviously silly. Every human should feel 200% free to poop in the nearest toilet without getting into one of those weird stalemates where you and the other person in the bathroom are both waiting silently for each other to leave so that you can poop in peace, so you just sit there gritting your teeth until 50 years later when some random battleship finds you all beardy and gross like one of those dudes who got left on an island in World War 2. Don’t be one of those dudes who got left on an island in World War 2! Drop your bombs! Um…launch your submarines into the Pacific basin! And other war metaphors of your choice! Do it!

But alas, my free-pooping utopia is only a beautiful dream. Poop anxiety is still a very real problem, particularly among the ladies (WHICH IS SEXIST), so I suppose it’s only natural that we cannot stop obsessing over it. Case in point: at The Blush this week, they’ve compiled their list of some pretty good work-pooping tips, delivered with a straightforward wink at the existential horror of using a bathroom for its expressly intended purpose:

There is no way I can convince anyone who thinks otherwise that it’s okay to poop at work! These are our colleagues we’re talking about! We do business with them! It’s of the utmost importance that we maintain our professionalism at all times! Heaven forbid anyone find out we’re human beings…

PRECISELY. HEAVEN FORBIDS IT. It was the baby Jesus himself who said, “And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened. And everyone who poops in the office bathroom, I will kill that guy. Also, goo goo ga ga.”

(One wonders—what were unenlightened women doing with their poops before this Blush article came out? Just holding it in until they died of septic shock? Pooping all wrong and then crying and crying and crying for the remainder of the workday? Farting in the face of the baby Jesus? Horrors.)

But as long as we’re going down this road—really committing to solving this work-poop conundrum—I’d like to posit that the Blush piece leaves way too much room for error. Just rustle the toilet paper really loud? Please! Don’t they understand that our eternal souls are on the line? And that Sheila from accounting might find out that we are animals with digestive tracts and highly evolved waste elimination systems? No. This won’t do. We need to get way more hardcore.

Idea 1: The Old-Fashioned

Diapers. Duh.

Idea 2: Create a Diversion

– Set a small garbage fire in the corner of the office where your least favorite people sit. (Try to keep it non-deadly!)
– Hire a street urchin to take a decoy poop in the toaster, stairwell, or the printer’s paper tray.
– SNAKES!!!

Idea 3: Master of Disguise

Get a white hat and a weird whisk and tell everyone that you’re the Lindt Master Chocolatier.

Idea 4: Woman Troubles

Start every morning by eating 30 beets and then tell everyone you just have a “chunky flow.” (Keep a big box of Tampax Chunky on your desk where everyone can see it.)

Idea 5: Get Political

“Do women in America even do poops anymore? I thought everything was outsourced. OBAMA.”

Idea 6: Reduce, Reuse, Recycle

Last time I checked, ladies, you have TWO holes, not one. So why not take advantage of evolution and do a little circular pooping? It’s just like playing a didgeridoo, only your butt is your mouth and your vagina is Australia and the toilet is Paul Hogan’s hat. Or something.

Idea 7: The Freedom Fighter

I think it was Mahatma Gandhi (sworn frenemy of the baby Jesus!) who said, “Be the change you want to see in the world (in terms of pooping).” So you know what? Let’s shift this paradigm. Poop your heart out, little muffin! Poop it!

Idea 8: Waterproof Alibi
Drench yourself in urine, then run into the office screaming, “SEE!? I wasn’t pooping!!!!!”

Idea 9: AIR HORN

BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWRMP!!!!!!!

Idea 10: Oh My God, Just Get Over It Already

Honestly, do you care if you hear somebody else pooping? Don’t you have quarterly reports to finish or something? Are you 12? Are you hanging out in the bathroom with one of those old-timey ear horns? Honestly, people. Honestly. I think this article proves that I’m the only grown-up left on earth.