"This celebrity couple is close to a final agreement over how everything – including the child/ren – is going to be divided in the divorce. However, the wife's legal team is having her keep one chip in her pocket for the divorce trial. If the husband's team tries any last-minute maneuvering, the wife is not afraid to reveal an incident where she (along with their child/ren) caught her husband in bed with a family friend of theirs. The friend is a professional athlete. In case you've been wondering why the couples rarely get together for more than an hour and a photo op – this is the reason." This is not not about Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and David Beckham, it's a blind item that could very well be nothing more than a sketchy rumor. [Blind Gossip via World Of Wonder]
In possibly-related news, Katie Holmes took her wedding ring off, pooped on it and tossed it in the ocean. [LA Times]
Adele's boyfriend Simon Konecki, with whom she announced a few days ago that she is having a child, is likely to propose, insist many pieces of glossy paper you can read while waiting to check out at the grocery store! A source says that Konecki, 38, was planning to propose anyway and is currently looking for a ring—RUMOR HAS IT, ANYHOO. SEE WHAT I DID THERE, GUYS???!!1 [US Weekly]
So Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are going over the guest list for their upcoming nuptuals at
the Arby's in Weehawken their chateau in France, and it seems that Prince William and Kate Middleton made the final cut. You guys know what this means, right? First of all, if this were an indie movie, Kate Middleton would totally fuck Jon Voigt. Secondly, the future King of England might get drunk enough the night before to be talked into being in a Jackass sketch. Probably not, but a girl can dream. [Celeb Dirty Laundry]
Tie the strings to my life, my Lord,
Then I am ready to go!
Just a look at the horses —
Rapid! That will do!
Put me in on the firmest side,
So I shall never fall;
For we must ride to the Judgment,
And it's partly down hill.
But never I mind the bridges,
And never I mind the sea;
Held fast in everlasting race
By my own choice and thee.
Good-by to the life I used to live,
And the world I used to know;
And kiss the hills for me, just once;
Now I am ready to go!
—@alecbaldwin, Alec Baldwin's personal Twitter, in the final moments of its life. Dust to dust. [USA Today]
But that doesn't mean merciful silence; Baldwin told Vanity Fair what he wanted to do to the guy who leaked that horrid, semi-abusive voicemail Baldwin left for daughter Ireland in 2007: "I wanted to stick a knife in him and gut him and kill him, and I wanted him to die breathing his last breath looking into my eyes." Is it cool to hate him yet? [HuffPo]
And in honor of Baldwin's marriage to Gigglemirth Thomas, PETA has gifted the couple with a bull bought from a sugarcane farm in India. The bull, renamed from Raja to Baldwin Thomas, will spend the rest of his days roaming free in an animal sanctuary. Most astoundingly, this is not a joke from an unproduced Party Down script. [mnn.com]
- Nicki Minaj spent £3,000 on chicken in England, English chickens all like "Why don't you come upstairs and see me up there again sometime?" [Page Six]
- Katy Perry's friends are glad she got divorced from Russell Brand. [Monsters and Critics]
- Rihanna pulls out of Brazilian music festival Rock In Rio after the death of her grandma. [MTV.co.uk]
- "Say it to my face," Hilary Duff dares Twitter jackasses who are ripping her baby weight. [Daily Mail]
- Britney Spears has her own dentist chair she takes everywhere to relax. [Music Rooms]
- Adam Levine called his magic mushroom trips a "valuable and beneficial" experience. I bet he tells girls that on first dates and then pauses for an introspective sip of his Six Point Sweet Action. [Toronto Sun]
- Jon Bon Jovi will hawk Avon's new his-and-hers fragrances Unplugged, billed as representing "passion, soulfulness, intensity and silent farts." The silent farts just aren't listed in that Rolling Stone interview 'cuz they're silent. [Rolling Stone]
- Spiderman's Martin Sheen didn't remember that he first worked with his co-star Sally Field in the 1970s. He forgot fucking SALLY FIELD. [Contact Music]
- Sean Bean won't face charges for allegedly harassing his ex-wife. [Daily Mail]
- Eastbound And Down, Jody Hill and Danny McBride's Southern-fried HBO comedy, is coming back for a fourth season after supposedly ending. [Entertainment Weekly]
- That's So Raven actor Orlando Brown is wanted for yet another DUI. He should probably take a cue from Raven-Symone and just start riding a Segway around Los Angeles. [NYDN]
- "Gotye killed himself!" screamed Twitter. "What? I was just in the shower," replies a confused Gotye AS A METEOR HURTLES RAPIDLY TOWARDS THE EARTH. [NME]
- "Kim Kardashian Motivated To Stay In Shape By Compliments," reads the most depressing headline in the universe. [SFGate]
- Paula Abdul had a Vegasbirthday. [Page Six]
- Michael Vick had a fancywedding! [Page Six]