This Week In Tabloids: Star Apologizes For Calling Katie Holmes An Addict

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we try not to get injured by the jagged detrius masquerading as gossip in Ok!, In Touch, Life & Style, Us and Star. This week, Royal Wedding wackiness is in overdrive; Khloe Kardashian is miffed that people think she looks “massive”; and Star totally didn’t mean to call Katie Holmes a spacey drug addict.

Ok!
“Royal Wedding!”
This issue is dated May 9, meaning that although it’s out today, it will stay on stands through next week. So. Since the Royal Wedding hasn’t exactly happened yet, the mag has to sorta trick readers into thinking that there’s new and exclusive coverage. Hence the image on page 2 of Brits celebrating in the streets, which must have been from the Queen’s Golden Jubilee in 2002. The cover story consists of a transcription of the interview Prince William and Kate Middleton gave in November 2010. In other words… Nothing new here. The magazine does provide a map of the “Royal Route,” in case you want to play along at home. Anyway, there are 10 pages of nonsense about Will and Kate, like “Why Diana Would Have Been Proud” and a two-page spread detailing all the locations Kate and Will have traveled on holiday trips together. Ok, moving on. You know how the mayor of Florence is trying to keep the Jersey Shore cast from being wasted in his town? There’s an article here with the LOL headline: “Should Italy Get Over Itself?” Next: Khloe Kardashian is experiencing “another setback.” She’s been trying to get pregnant and “each month that passes without a positive pregnancy test thrusts Khloe Kardashian Odom even deeper in despair.” As the magazine points out: “She’s used to winning.”But adoption is possible.” Finally: Did you know that The Biggest Loser is “more successful at love” than The Bachelor? Six couples who met on the show are totes in long term relationships!
Grade: F (severed finger)

Us
“Tortured For Her Weight.”
Khloe Kardashian is having a rough time. Khloe’s mom said Khloe was negatively affecting the brand by eating cookies. Then Khloe’s brother called her “big” and told her she needed to work out. Also, Khloe had photoshoot, during which she felt self-conscious. It was all too much for Khloe, who fell down on the kitchen floor and cried. “I’m so fucking fat,” she said, and sobbed. “I’m so tired of trying to pretend that I’m happy with my weight.” In case you can’t tell, this article is bascially a recap of an episode of Khloe And Lamar. Khloe says people are surprised when they meet her, because they think she is going to be huge, but it’s because she’s usually seen standing next to her sisters, and they are sooo tiny. KK kind of defends her mom about that cookie thing, saying she wasn’t speaking as a mom, but as a manager. Ew. Moving on. How adorable was Snooki when she was six years old??!?! (See Fig. 1) Jessica Simpson impressed Eric Johnson’s parents by paying the bill at dinner during a trip to New England. Eric went to Yale, and while in the Boston area, Jessica Tweeted, “Stomping on Haaaaavard ground with a Yalie. Huck Farvard” That’s right. She made a Harvard joke. Surreal. Remember JustinBobby? He is now dating Heidi Montag’s sister Holly. Weird. Lastly, in Royal Wedding news, the lawn at Westminster Abbey has been vacuumed, so don’t worry about that.
Grade: D- (punctured foot)

Life & Style
“Wedding Of The Year.”
Friends, take note: This is a “collector’s edition.” Again, this piece is written as though MAYBE the wedding has already happened. The deck reads: “Prince William marries the love of his life, Catherine Middleton, in a romantic ceremony filled with pomp, circumstance, and lots of personal touches.” See how it’s in present tense? Like the wedding is happening NOW? There are eight pages of “How They Fell In Love” and “A Day To Remember” and “William and Kate’s Exotic Honeymoon” but no real news or gossip. Moving on! Kim Zolciak had a baby shower and says: “I really wanted the baby shower to be special for Kroy. This being his first baby — and a boy.” FYI, despite the name, Kroy is the baby daddy and not a cro-mag from Clan Of The Cave Bears. Back to the shower. It was an elaborate affair, with a five-layer cheesecake, and Kim gave away bangles from her new jewelry line (See Fig. 2). Heavily pregnant Mariah Carey went on a babymoon at Terranea Resort in Palos Verdes, California. She says it was very fun and therapeutic. By the way, on Easter, Mariah had her belly painted to look like an egg. There’s a blue heart for the boy twin and a pink heart for the girl twin. (See Fig. 3) Kristie Alley says she is down to a size 6. “I bought the same dress in every size from a 12 down to 2, and this week I’m a 6,” she says. “I’m sort of shrinking, and so are my feet.” Here’s something to make you laugh: “A-Listers Want To Look Like A First Lady!” (See Fig. 4) Definitely check out Rihanna’s inspiration. Jennifer Aniston is obsessed with crystals from Mars. Obviously. Apparently she purchased $3,100 worth of skin products from Euoko. The Y-42 Fractional Neck Lift Concentrate, which contains iron rose crystals from Mars. You can get a 50ml jar for $450 — Jen bought 2. Apparently now that Jen’s hair is shorter, people are noticing her neck. Also, this whole thing reads like a thinly veiled advertisement. But we believe the lady from Euoko who says, “Jen is intrigued by the crystals from Mars.” Who wouldn’t be? Lastly: Lady Gaga has cream custom cowboy boots with some kind of winged unicorn creature appliqued on them, and they too 500 hours of labor to make. She has a black pair too!
Grade: D (scraped shin)

In Touch
“Yes, She’s In Love!”
Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Cooper have gotten “so serious, so soon.” Jen is “throwing herself” into the relationship. She went on an Easter trip to New Mexico, but was texting Bradley the whole time. Her friend says that “she has a pattern of texting and emailing with guys for months, and by the time they see each other again, they’re serious.” But! Bradley is a “known fame-seeker who uses his charm and good looks to get close to A-List actresses, only to cut and run.” The mag speculates, “Perhaps she’s simply drawn to bad boys.” Moving on! Reese Witherspoon might be pregnant already. She bought a “hand woven, brightly colored” maternity dress while on vacation in Belize, but we suspect that it was merely a swim cover-up or lounge-y caftan. But! That doesn’t stop the mag from printing an arrow pointing at her abdomen with the words “is this a bump?” Arnold Schwarzenegger’s son Patrick has his eye on Miley Cyrus. Diane Lane: “Is she half-robot?” (See Fig. 5) Britney Spears is a prisoner in her own home. She’s not allowed to have her own cell phone, and can’t accept incoming calls unless they are screened first, by her security people. And! She has to submit a formal request if she wants cash beyond her allowance. The money part makes sense under a conservatorship, and considering the shady people she was associating with (Sam Lufti), we feel better with her under close watch. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie spend $10 million a year on their kids. Each child has his or her own personal nanny and own personal tutor. The tutors run about a million a year. Clothes for all the kids? About $100,000. They spend $36,000 a year on food — and there’s a picture of a semi-truck pulling up to the house in France to deliver loads of snacks. $5 million a year is spent on private jets. $600 a day on cars. $7,000 (per event) on birthday parties. $425 a day on fun! Teen Mom‘s Leah might be pregnant again. She was spotted buying a pregnancy test. But who’s the daddy? Is it her ex, Robbie Kidd? He wants to get back together, “in a perfect world.” Teen Mom‘s Amber wants her own series, and says, “If getting pregnant will get me paid, whatever!” Guys, we are doomed. As a nation. Jessica Simpson would like for her fiancé Eric Johnson to lose weight! Apparently he went from having a six-pack to having a beer belly… although the photos don’t really back that up. Sean Penn is jealous of Ryan Reynolds and doesn’t want Scarlett hanging out with Ryan. Christina Aguilera’s son Max doesn’t like her new boyfriend, Matthew Rutler. A source says: “Max is a daddy’s boy, and Matt isn’t his daddy.” Burn! Courteney Cox is preparing to get divorced and has begun dividing assets. Lastly: Here is a hard-hitting investigative feature: “Is Kirstie REALLY A Size 6?” The magazine shows us pictures of Kirstie from all angles, including “from behind.” A psychotherapist who does not treat Kirstie says: “If she’s a size 6, then every woman who’s wearing a size 16 can say she’s a size 8!” GAH. Why does it matter? Kirstie looks great. Anyway, a celebrity trainer weighs in: “I think she’s about a 10.”
Grade: D+ (scratched elbow)

Star
“Sandra Betrayed Again!”
Before we go forward, please note that this cover includes the words, “Star Apologizes To Katie Holmes — Inside.” On January 19, Star alleged that Katie was hooked on Scientology e-meter sessions, which have an effect “similar to heroin!” She then sued the magazine. Anyway, in this issue, on page ONE, the copy reads: “We published headlines about Katie Holmes that could be read to suggest that she was addicted to drugs.” To be clear: The cover included the words “ADDICTION NIGHTMARE: KATIE DRUG SHOCKER.” The statement continues: “Star did not intend to suggest that Ms. Holmes was a drug addict, or was undergoing treatment for a drug addiction, and will be making a substantial donation to charity on Ms. Holmes’s behalf.” (See Fig. 6) Wow. Okay! On to the cover story. In Jesse James’s new memoir, he blames Sandra for his cheating, because his “spirit and soul were gone” during the marriage. The story includes a column penned by Michelle “Bombshell” McGee, who was the first woman to reveal Jesse’s cheating ways. She calls his book “Another big F-you to Sandra,” and says “he wants to break Sandra’s heart all over again.” Jesus. Apparently Sandra always wanted the dogs in the bed and he hated it and they didn’t have sex for months and so on. Next: Victoria Gotti also has a column in the issue, and apparently has a past with the magazine; she writes, “I’m back at Star.” Her piece is a promotional device for the upcoming Gotti movie, though. Kate Middleton apparently is the “boss” in her relationship with Prince William. She kept him from failing out of school when he was “floundering” in his art history course. “Flunking out is not the thing future kings do,” she told him. And! At some point she said: “He’s lucky to have got me.” Gretchen from RHOC has been charged with fraud, for allegedly pushing a business partner out of deal. Chelsea Handler and Jennifer Aniston are friends, but their dogs hate each other. Jessica Biel and Gerard Butler have been spotted getting close on the set of their new film. Gerard is “crazy” about Jessica and has been “practically glued to her side.” Teen Mom‘s Jenelle is living in fear or her brother, who punched her sister in the head 50 or 60 times while he was driving and she was in the passenger seat. The brother, Colin, is bipolar and schizophrenic, and a family friend is worried that Jenelle is displaying some similar traits. Meanwhile, Amber from Teen Mom is sleeping with her neighbor who lives with his girlfriend, who has a baby. There was a confrontation between Amber the guy’s girlfriend, in which Amber mooned the young lady and yelled, “I’m ridin’ your baby daddy!” Awesome. “Lady Gaga Intervention!” is about how, after a recent performance in Florida, Gaga was seen at a club, where she “looked like she was totally wasted!” She showed up in a thong and a bra, and was shaking her tush in everyone’s face. Someone in Tennessee had a similar encounter, saying: “It was obvious she was wasted; we were worried for her.” Lastly: Gaga has Lupus, which is made worse by drinking, so her dad is furious she’s boozing and drugging. She was born this way, people!
Grade: C- (minor knuckle abrasion)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from Us

Fig. 2, from Life & Style

Fig. 3, from Life & Style

Fig. 4, from Life & Style

Fig. 5, from In Touch

Fig. 6, from Star