This Week In Tabloids: Dancing With The Stars Is Also Snorting With The Stars
CelebritiesWelcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we waltz through the pages of In Touch, Life & Style, Us, Ok! and Star in search of gossip. This week, Reese Witherspoon’s wedding had Sacha Baron Cohen and a rockabilly band; Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall is being a mean girl to Kate Middleton; and there are a lot of worn-out nostrils on Dancing With The Stars.
Ok!
“Betrayed Before The Wedding.”
Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are not actually engaged, but this mag claims Kris has set a date for the proposal: April 8. Surprise! What we have here is an exclusive interview with a friend of Kris’s ex-girlfriend, Bianka — with a K, naturally — and this friend uses Kris’s relationship with Bianka, his first love, to prove that Kris will also dump Kim. Because whatever you do to your first girlfriend you do to the rest. Obviously. Bianka does have one quote in the magazine: “I wish Kris all the best.” Recap: No one has been betrayed; there is no wedding. Moving on: At Reese Witherspoon’s wedding — which actually happened — Sacha Baron Cohen gave a toast. Did you know that Gerard Butler, Matt LeBlanc and Paul McCartney are all men who’ve dyed their hair? Hoda thinks that is “not ok!” (See Fig. 1) Lastly, is “Reader Of The Week” Connie Rosenfeld actually in Croatia, or is that background from a stock photography agency? (See Fig. 2)
Grade: F (meth & the macarena)
Star
“Dancing With The Stars Cover-Up.”
This is a lot less exciting than it sounds. Apparently Kirstie Alley has a “secret husband.” They met in high school in Wichita and got married when she was 20. His name is Bob Alley, so we’re not sure how this is a “secret.” Also, Kirstie and Bob’s marriage was over by 1976, so he hasn’t been her “husband” in decades. Alas! No “secret husband.” The “extreme surgery” cover line refers to Wendy Williams, who has been quite open with the fact that she’s gone under the knife. “Cocaine & Pills!” is an excuse to list the four people on Dancing With The Stars who had drug problems in the distant past: Kendra Wilkinson, Sugar Ray Leonard, Kirstie Alley and Wendy Williams were all cocaine enthusiasts! In general, there’s no “cover-up,” making for a cover story fail. But we do like the headline used on this druggy page, “Snorting With The Stars.” Moving along: Dita Von Teese looks impeccable even when she’s buying lettuce (see Fig. 3). Jessica Simpson has “decided to take charge of her health once and for all” before her wedding. And when they say “taking charge of her health” they mean “get skinny.” She’s lost 20 lbs. since January, and she’s not done yet. You’ll never guess who she’s working with: Tracey Anderson! Kevin Federline’s pregnant girlfriend is not looking forward to giving up her personal time or her great body thanks to the spawn of KFed, says an insider. Courteney Cox and David Arquette were together to promote Scream 4, and even held hands! Here some words from the Teen Mom story “Jenelle Tells Why She Snapped”: Talking trash. Bad mom. Text text text. Fight. “Messed with me on the wrong day.” Camilla, Duchess Of Cornwall is a “Monster In-Law.” Why? “The very sight of Kate makes Camilla fume with jealousy.” And: “Kate is the people’s princess.” And! Camilla calls her “Kate Simpleton” behind her back. Ouch. Once they went to lunch and Camilla insisted that Kate try the foie gras. Kate obliged, but later was ripped apart in the press because Prince Charles has banned foie gras from royal menus since it’s inhumane. Also, this one time Camilla told Kate to eat some Swedish energy bars to lose weight, when they really make you GAIN weight! Ugh. In The Bachelor news, a “friend” claims that Emily may be pregnant. The mag interviewed Brad Womack’s old girlfriend Laurel, who says that he can be verbally and emotionally abusive. Laurel says he once thought a guy was calling her and got so upset he started “violently kicking and punching” the bed. “He literally tore it to pieces.” And! He would yell at her and call her a slut. We’re assuming this was before he went to therapy?
Grade: D- (roofies & the robot)