This Week In Tabloids: Brave Celebrity Soldiers Losing The War Against Cellulite

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we sift through the silt of In Touch, Star, Us, Ok! and Life & Style, looking for nuggets of gold. This week, having cellulite is completely normal, which is why Holly Madison posed for unretouched photos, but that doesn't stop Star from printing a cover story that involves enlarged pictures of women's thighs alongside bodysnarking, bitchy advice and shitty commentary.

This Week In Tabloids: Brave Celebrity Soldiers Losing The War Against Cellulite

Ok!
"Melissa's Baby Girl!"
We did not read this story because we don't give a shit about The Bachelor's Melissa Rycroft, but if you want to see six pages of adorable, exclusive baby pictures — and quotes like "She's going to grown up and be a little diva" — by all means, pick up this mag at the newsstand. The only other thing we bothered to read was "Rihanna & Amanda WAR Over Ryan," in which we learned that Rihanna and Ryan Phillippe are in a relationship that is "not serious" and "more physical than anything." But Ryan and Amanda Seyfried are "still hooking up." A dude in Hollywood, dating two girls non-exclusively? Earth shattering.
Grade: F (gravel)

This Week In Tabloids: Brave Celebrity Soldiers Losing The War Against Cellulite

In Touch
"Tricked By Emily's Lies"
Emily Maynard, whom you may have seen on The Bachelor, is a liar liar pants on fire. She's a "spotlight girl" who wants "nothing more than to be famous" and wants a "soft life" where she doesn't have to work. Emily claims that she was engaged to her ex-boyfriend Ricky Hendrick, a race car driver who died in a plane crash, but his obituary mentions her only a "girlfriend." After Ricky died, Emily found out she was pregnant, and Ricky's family gave Emily the engagement ring Ricky had given his ex-girlfriend Cori, to make it look like there were wedding plans. Emily wore the $100,000 bauble in the delivery room. Also! On the show, Emily claims to be an "event coordinator" at a children's hospital, but a hospital source says she only worked there for a couple of months as a volunteer. Oh, and on the show, Emily burst into tears when there was a bachelor date at a race track, but sources say she goes to the track every Saturday and has dated a bunch of race car drivers, so her getting all emotional was an act. Moving on: Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt almost ran into each other at LAX, and the mag claims: "the airline was well aware of their celebrity passengers and took precautions to avoid an encounter between Brad and Jen." Sandra Bullock has been sending "sexy texts" to her ex, Ryan Gosling. They first met on the set of Murder By Numbers in 2001, where they "clicked instantly" and had a "steamy romance." It ended because he was just too young. But! They've been texting and have made plans to get together. "Brad And Angelina's Kids Revolt" is about how Angelina told the children that they're moving from L.A. to New Orleans (where Brad will be shooting a film), and Shiloh, 4 and Pax, 7 "started throwing a tantrum," says a source. "They threw themselves on the floor and cried." Which four-year-olds and seven-year-olds NEVER EVER do. Pax got so upset that he ran and hid somewhere on the property and it took four people a half an hour to find him. Shiloh is super upset because she has a crush on one of her classmates, Pierre. Why must daddy's work come betwixt her and her amour? Lady Gaga's boyfriend is a bad influence, but "because of her very low self-esteem, Gaga believes Luc is the best she'll ever get." Jessica Simpson's fiancé, Eric Johnson, is Ashlee Simpson's new life coach. Jessica and Eric are trying to help Ashlee during her difficult time. Renee Zellweger and Bradley Cooper are maybe getting married in Hawaii. Last, but absolutely not least: Suri Cruise is Carrie Bradshaw. Amazing. (See Fig. 1)
Grade: D+ (sandstone)

This Week In Tabloids: Brave Celebrity Soldiers Losing The War Against Cellulite

Us
"I'm Not Ready To Be His Mom"
What we have here a six page exclusive interview and photoshoot with Teen Mom's Jenelle Evans. I yawned while typing that, no lie. In June, Jenelle signed over custody of her son Jace to her mother, and is still dependent on her mom, though she helps raise Jace. But when she has her own place for three months, she plans on going back to court and getting custody of Jace. Jenelle claims that she is a changed woman and is involved with her son's life, but her mother disagrees. Moving on: Matt Bellamy wants to marry Kate Hudson! But he doesn't want it to look like he's just doing it because she's pregnant. "He wises he'd proposed ages ago," says a source. Kathy Griffin and the Old Spice Man Your Man Could Smell Like continue to spend time "getting to know each other," possibly in the carnal sense. Chord Overstreet, the blond one from Glee, says he and Taylor Swift are "not dating right now" which, in celeb-speak, means they are. Someone asked Kelly Osbourne if she was going to the royal wedding, and she said, "I don't want to go. I don't know them. Just because we are English doesn't mean we're going to be there." Sharon Osbourne said: "Fuck no! I've got to work." Charlie Sheen is going to sue CBS for $350 million for "psychological distress." That should go well. Finally, when asked where he would pick up ladies if he were single, Owen Wilson says: "the most wholesome women go to Trader Joe's."
Grade: D (limestone)

This Week In Tabloids: Brave Celebrity Soldiers Losing The War Against Cellulite

Life & Style
"We Have Cellulite, So What!"
There are three exclusive unretouched photos of Holly Madison here. She was criticized for gaining weight, and says: "I'd rather be overweight and curvy than superthin with no curves." And since this whole thing is about cellulite, she says: "I'm never not going to have cellulite." And: "People just need to accept that it's there. And maybe dress accordingly or use body makeup to cope with it." SIGH. Can't we accept that it's there and just fucking stop worrying about it? If 99% of women have it, why work so hard to cover it up? It's like freckles or moles or pores, totally natural. If you have a functional human body, you do not have problems. The end. Except not. Because Holly says when she started gaining weight, "I even started dressing differently, wearing sweatpants and muumuus." In part two of this bizarre accept your body while talking about how much you hate it story, the deck on Kim Kardashian's piece reads "Kim learns to accept her 'dimples' — but still hopes to minimize them." On cellulite, she says: "So what! It's part of being a woman, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't have any." The next line reads: "Instead of letting the criticism get to her, Kim's decided to use it as inspiration to get back in shape." This stuff is mind-blowing in its fail. Nicki Minaj's tour rider demands ten king size hotel rooms, ten plane tickets (two in first class, eight in coach), pink champagne — and the venue needs to send a photo, so Nicki can verify that it's enough — the venue must have pink lights, and all cocktail servers must wear pink underwear. Breaking: Justin Bieber and Jaden Smith had a bromantic meal at California Pizza Kitchen. Even though Jessica Biel was not Justin Timberlake's date at the Oscars, she did join him at the Vanity Fair party later. A source close to Denise Richards says she wants Charlie Sheen committed. Like, to a mental institution. A waiter at The Lion in NYC couldn't resist fawning over Sandra Bullock when she ate there on February 17, which is a huge no-no, and the manager made him apologize to Sandra. She begged the restaurant not to fire the guy, saving his job. Because she is cool. Lastly: Chelsea Clinton went to Soul Cycle and didn't wear her wedding ring, hence the headline "The Ring Is Off."
Grade: C- (milky quartz)

This Week In Tabloids: Brave Celebrity Soldiers Losing The War Against Cellulite

Star
"Stars Lose Fight With CELLULITE"
This mag wins Asshole Of The Week award, for printing eight pages of photographs zeroing in on women's bodies alongside scathing commentary. Just a warning: All of this will make you blindingly irate. Britney Spears has "lumpy legs," and the editors advise: "dance yourself back into shape." Kelly Clarkson has "serious saddlebags." Roseann Barr is a "sagging shame" and her gastric bypass couldn't "cure her droopy thighs." Lady Gaga is "svelte," but "cant cure those cottage cheese thighs." Eva Longoria's "cellulite" is really just a shadow where her ass meets her thigh (See Fig. 2), but the mag states that her workouts "can't seem to beat that bumpy behind." Teri Hatcher likes to hike, but "maybe a few more long walks will tone up that tush." Sharon Stone's thighs have a "ripple effect." Halle Berry has "flaws," which the editors have circled, but we can't see a damn thing.(see Fig. 3) Just so we're clear: This magazine is making fun of incredibly fit women who work out way more than the average American and berating them for something they can do nothing about, since there is no "cure" for cellulite, a completely normal occurrence in the appearance of subcutaneous fat, and by the way, the medical community doesn't consider cellulite to be a disorder. Moving along: Kate Middleton's parents, who own a party supply store, have royal-looking party cups and plates available now. Courteney Cox went to Hawaii with her Cougar Town costar Brian Van Holt. The two spent a "romantic day at the beach" in Oahu, and a source says Courteney was "totally transfixed" watching Brian surf, and it was "obvious she liked showing off her bikini body for him." Drew Barrymore is telling her friends that her boyfriend Will Kopelman could be the one. We didn't even know she was seeing anyone! Elizabeth Banks and her husband are expecting a child via surrogate. Ashlee Simpson has been hanging out with Pete Wentz's friend Travis Barker, but keeping it quiet. Brody Jenner and Avril Lavigne are engaged, allegedly, not that you care. Adriana De Moura-Sidi, who is on The Real Housewives Of Miami, has talked about her ex-husband, Roberto, and how he had a common-law marriage behind her back, but what she's never discussed — and what the magazine has discovered — is that Roberto became violent with Adriana, raped her and threatened to kill her. It's all in the court documents that Adriana filed to get custody of her kid. Finally: Angelina Jolie "exploded" after Brad went behind her back and invited his parents to move into the chateau in France. She "can't stand" taking advice from anyone, and thinks Brad's mom Jane is always judging her. It doesn't help that Jane is still in touch with Angelina's "nemesis," Jennifer Aniston. Because you cannot have a Brad and Angie story without Jen. It's a contractual obligation.
Grade: F- (pyrite, aka fool's gold)

Addendum:

This Week In Tabloids: Brave Celebrity Soldiers Losing The War Against Cellulite

Fig. 1, from In Touch (click to enlarge)

This Week In Tabloids: Brave Celebrity Soldiers Losing The War Against Cellulite

Fig. 2, from Star

This Week In Tabloids: Brave Celebrity Soldiers Losing The War Against Cellulite

Fig. 3, from Star