Today In Totally Speculative Royal Wedding News

The Middleton family black sheep has been invited, and Kate — sorry, Catherine — may or may not wear something white.

First, the uncle story, which seems at least rooted in fact. Kate's maternal uncle Gary Goldsmith, according to Daily India, "is said to have cleaned himself up after he was exposed in a newspaper sting as a cannabis-smoking drugs dealer offering to arrange call girls and cocaine for visitors to his home in Ibiza." Well, there's one in every family. It seems like the invite cut-off point is selling access to the tabs, and he seems unlikely to court them at least, right?

Then we get into the realm of wild speculation. Yvonne York, fashion writer and royal contributor, has a few predictions about what Kate's getup might look like. Most of these are, let's just say, fairly safe assumptions.

Catherine's gown will not look anything like Diana's, and I anticipate that it will be white rather than a cream or ivory hue. While the strapless look is popular with many celebrity brides, this is a royal bride, and that transcends mere celebrity. This means no strapless styles, no spaghetti straps, and no to anything that exposes the shoulders or too low-cut. If you look at previous royal bridal dresses, every one of them features sleeves...Catherine has a fabulous figure and looks sensational in the stream-lined silhouettes she favors, however we definitely won't be seeing a slinky sheath dress like the one Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy wore to her wedding. On the other hand, I don't think Catherine's dress will feature a big, ball-gown skirt either, although it will have some fullness to it to complement the grand scale of Westminster Abbey. So something with an A-line or a Princess-style skirt (how appropriate) with a fitted waist will be most likely.

So, no scarlet bandage dresses, then? Shocker. However, she does provide us with a few interesting bits of trivia: For one, "The bridal bouquet will contain a sprig of myrtle to symbolize lasting love and fertility - a royal wedding tradition started by Queen Victoria." Also: royal-born brides can't cover their faces with veils (who knew!) and, in addition, Middleton has commissioned four pairs of shoes with varying heel heights, which is actually a really good idea, if you're in the business of commissioning shoes. She's apparently selected a tiara from the crown jewels and her hair may or may not be softly pulled back from her face.

So, what have we learned? That we still know nothing about anything, and that there will be potential for at least one awesomely embarrassing toast from a dubious uncle. Here, the similarity to our own nuptials ends.

Kate Middleton's Uncle In Sex, Drugs Shame Invited To Wedding
[Daily India]
Kate's Royal Wedding Look: The Dress, The Veil, The Tiara and More [Huffington Post]