You want to get married. You don’t care to whom. You just want a big sparkly ring and an R nestled between the MS. that comes before your name on those late payment notices from The Student Loan Corporation. But you’re not married, which is the only thing that you need out of life. You need a man like a fish needs whatever the opposite of a bicycle is. Why hasn’t he appeared like a bland square jawed Disney Prince to reward you for being sweet and singing to the animals by marrying you?
Several readers have tipped us off to the existence of Tracy McMillan’s Primer for Why No One Loves You (Once, Twice, Three Times A Wifey!), and it’s extremely groundbreaking and envelope pushing, because no one has ever told women that the reasons that they’re not married is because there’s something profoundly wrong with them; never, in all of human history have women been blamed for the failure of a relationship or for her own unhappiness. The article suggests that you’re not married because you’re a bitch, a slut, shallow, selfish, a liar, and because, in light of all these horrible traits that you exhibit, you also dare think you’re not good enough. I think she left some bases uncovered, though. Unmarried women: there’s so much more wrong with you than you could possibly imagine, and if you ever want anyone to love you, fix it immediately.
1. You’re not good enough at fellatio or are too good at fellatio.
No man wants a blow job queen! No man wants a non-blow job queen, either, because men love blow jobs but men don’t love sluts. To solve this Quintessential Lady Conundrum, every once in awhile, try accidentally scraping his penis lightly with your teeth, just to reassure him that you didn’t totally go through that party n’ blowjob phase when you were 24. He’ll marry you for sure.
2. You look like a slob or are too high maintenance.
Why did you cut your hair short? You look like a boy. Why do you have such long hair? It takes you forever to get ready. Why are you wearing sweatpants and chapstick when you go to the Post Office? Why are you wearing a sundress and heels when you’re just going to drop off some library books? You’re way too high maintenance and or low maintenance. Men hate both of those things, and now you’ll never get married.
3. You are too fat or too skinny .
Men like a little something to grab onto. Men like fucking skeletons with hair extensions. Why don’t you go to the gym more or less so that your body is more meaty or lean for the sexual pleasure of your male companion? Are you eating that or not eating that? You should or should not. You’ll never get married now.
4. You have too many hobbies or not enough hobbies.
Do you like spending time doing things with your manfriend that you both enjoy doing? You should probably give him more space to do those things by himself. Do you not like doing things with your manfriend? You need to make an effort to like the things that he likes so that you can do things together. If you do things together or do not do things together, you will suffocate or alienate him, and he will cheat on you and then marry his secretary.
5. You’re not Martha Stewart or you are Martha Stewart.
You’re really good at cooking, but that’s creepy because you remind him of his mom and no one wants to have children with their own mother. You’re really bad at cooking, but that’s terrible because he also doesn’t know how to cook and who is supposed to cook food if not you, woman? You are too domestic or too inept, and a man doesn’t want to be with someone who is good or bad at keeping a house.
6. You’re too old or young.
You feel like your age has afforded you the experience and wisdom necessary to make you a better partner. You feel like your youth has given you the energy to be patient and open minded. Neither of these things is correct. You’re old and dried up or you’re a naive child trophy wife. No one wants that.
7. You will or will not do anal.
This relates to reason #1 you’re not married, which is that you’re too good or not good enough at fellatio. Anal sex is something that is done by the sexually adventurous or the woman who was raised Catholic and for some reason thought that having anal sex with her high school boyfriend was less hellworthy than breaking her hymen, and sexually adventurous women will not get married, and any Catholic crazy enough to have anal in high school is on the road to a career in naughty school themed pornography. Your husband needs to know that he owns every hole in your body, but also shouldn’t have to bother with teaching you how to do anything.
8. You want money and security too much or not enough.
You really liked that one nice restaurant he took you to the other week, you gold digger. You told him you didn’t want any jewelry for your anniversary, you ungrateful bitch. Appreciate him more or less for the work he does or does not do to support the lifestyle you live.
9. You want children too much and/or not enough.
I’d like to have children someday, you say, because you are crazed with the idea of babies. I’m not sure if I want to have children, you say, because you’re selfish and masculine. Women who want or don’t want children are not desirable for marriage. If you’re not married, it may well be because you do or don’t want to have children of your own someday. Man repellent!
10. You refuse to enter into a lifetime contract with someone who you’re not totally sure about or are too eager to enter into a lifetime contract with any old douchebag.
You’re straightforward about wanting to get married or not wanting to get married, and men don’t want to be with women who do or do not want to get married, because they’re too eager or apathetic, and men want to be with a woman who does or does not want to be with them.
But it’s okay, ladies; all of these personality flaws can be fixed if you just get confident. Learn how to do all of these things on the list in addition to those things that Tracy McMillan tells you to stop doing (being selfish lying bitchsluts) and then you can maybe achieve that thing that all women want to achieve, which is to get married to some chump who never emotionally matured past the age of 13.
GET JEZEBEL RIGHT IN YOUR INBOX
Still here. Still without airbrushing. Still with teeth.
