10 More Reasons You're Not Married
LatestYou want to get married. You don’t care to whom. You just want a big sparkly ring and an R nestled between the MS. that comes before your name on those late payment notices from The Student Loan Corporation. But you’re not married, which is the only thing that you need out of life. You need a man like a fish needs whatever the opposite of a bicycle is. Why hasn’t he appeared like a bland square jawed Disney Prince to reward you for being sweet and singing to the animals by marrying you?
Several readers have tipped us off to the existence of Tracy McMillan’s Primer for Why No One Loves You (Once, Twice, Three Times A Wifey!), and it’s extremely groundbreaking and envelope pushing, because no one has ever told women that the reasons that they’re not married is because there’s something profoundly wrong with them; never, in all of human history have women been blamed for the failure of a relationship or for her own unhappiness. The article suggests that you’re not married because you’re a bitch, a slut, shallow, selfish, a liar, and because, in light of all these horrible traits that you exhibit, you also dare think you’re not good enough. I think she left some bases uncovered, though. Unmarried women: there’s so much more wrong with you than you could possibly imagine, and if you ever want anyone to love you, fix it immediately.
1. You’re not good enough at fellatio or are too good at fellatio.
No man wants a blow job queen! No man wants a non-blow job queen, either, because men love blow jobs but men don’t love sluts. To solve this Quintessential Lady Conundrum, every once in awhile, try accidentally scraping his penis lightly with your teeth, just to reassure him that you didn’t totally go through that party n’ blowjob phase when you were 24. He’ll marry you for sure.
2. You look like a slob or are too high maintenance.
Why did you cut your hair short? You look like a boy. Why do you have such long hair? It takes you forever to get ready. Why are you wearing sweatpants and chapstick when you go to the Post Office? Why are you wearing a sundress and heels when you’re just going to drop off some library books? You’re way too high maintenance and or low maintenance. Men hate both of those things, and now you’ll never get married.