Charlie Sheen Has Several Perfectly Reasonable ExcusesS

He was laughing at porn, you guys. Laughing. At. Porn. And that's why he had a hernia, which is why he went to the hospital. Obviously he didn't go because of doing a whole mountain o' cocaine.

Lindsay Lohan is "worried" about Charlie Sheen. In the future straight-to-cable Charlie Sheen biopic, the actor who plays Charlie Sheen (in my imagination, an aged and disheveled Christian Slater, desperate for work), this, the moment when Lindsay Lohan tells him she's worried, will be the moment that Charlie Sheen realizes he's hit rock bottom. [NYP]
The star of Two And A Half Laugh Tracks wrote a $30,000 check to one of the porn stars he was partying with. [Perez]
TMZ has helpfully assembled a timeline of Sheen fuckery. [TMZ]
We're balls deep in awards season and it's The King's Speech's turn to be fellated. [ONTD]
The Killers and their pretty, pretty lead singer are getting back at us after a hiatus. At least somebody told me. Maybe it was my boyfriend. But he had a girlfriend. That I met in February of last year. Oh, fuck. Now that song's stuck in my head. [Digital Spy]
Britney Spears' new song is going to showcase a new side of her. Unfortunately, I don't think it's going to be a "young woman with a bad case of child stardom-related arrested development not being taken advantage of" side. [Digital Spy]
Two rabid Michael Jackson fans were denied entrance into the late singer's tomb, because the last thing we need is zombie Michael Jackson with rabies. [TMZ]
We interrupt this update on the situation in Egypt to cut to Hollywood correspondent Keira Knightley, who has an important Carrie Mulligan update: Please, America, don't panic: Carrie Mulligan is very good at crying. Please attempt to maintain normalcy as you continue your daily lives. [Digital Spy]
Shakira is moving to Spain, but not to be close to World Cup player Gerard Pique; she's just hanging out to take in the local art scene and writhe in front of some mosaics. There's now place like Spain for writhing in front of public art. [The Sun]
The Daily Mail claims that Christina Hendricks's giant rack is fueling an uptick in requests for similar giant racks- "copyracks," if you will. I have a theory that the fact that a lot of people like boobs is probably behind the desire for breast augmentation rather than a busty celebrity. Although hers are lovely, it's not like the world was suddenly reminded of the existence of breasts by Christina Hendricks. [Daily Mail]
The house that belonged to late actress Britney Murphy and her husband is up for auction. I hope it's haunted by a ghost who taunts the new owners by pointing out that they're virgins who can't drive. [TMZ]
Jane Lynch loves married life. Careful, Jane. Being gloaty about being married is a good sign that you're going to have public relationship problems, if my facebook news feed is any indicator. [Contact Music]
Seventeen year old Justin Bieber recognizes that it's creepy for America to try to set him up with 14-year-old Hailee Steinfeld, saying he's "too old" for her. But Justin! She's such a nice girl from such a nice family! Why don't you ask her to the homecoming dance? What will it hurt? Why do you keep hanging around that Gomez girl? I don't like her; she's sassy and I never see her at mass. (For this Very Special Dirtbag item, the role of America will be played by my mother.) [The Sun]
America is already bored by Mark Zuckerberg's totally surprise but not actually a surprise appearance alongside that guy who reminds me of Michael Cera on SNL last night. [NYP]
Ashlee Simpson-Wentz's train finally arrived from 2008 yesterday, as she debuted a watered down Agynes Dehn look, which I'm sure will serve her well in her career in awkward hodownery. [Just Jared]
Matt Damon considers himself "lucky" to have had the career he's had. I consider it "weird" that there isn't a new Bourne movie out yet. I'm not getting any younger, Matt. Make your career about me. [Contact Music]

P Diddy and Russell Brand want you to think that they're boring. [Digital Spy]
Johnny Rotten called Jay-Z "a parody." If we keep abusing irony like this, we may have our priviledges revoked. [Contact Music]