What Stupid Trend Will Replace Silly Bandz?

Now that Silly Bandz are totally passe, the hunt is on for the next trend that will captivate kids and plunge parents into uninformed hysteria. Some are betting on “slap watches.” We have better ideas.

Allen Ash of Almar Sales Co. tells the NY Post, “Silly Bandz may still have a little life on the West Coast, but they are completely over on the East Coast.” Ouch! His company makes slap watches — like those old slap bracelets, but with a watch-face — and claims they’re the next big thing. Whatevs. Here’s what we think the kids will be craving this spring:

Silly Batz
Real, live bats that you wrap around your arm. Not that humane! But adorable. Maybe they could come in little bags.

Rusty Nailz
Fast, cheap, and readily available — just collect them from building sites. Different shapes and sizes represent different sex acts, because that’s what every fad is about, obviously. And just like sex, sometimes Rusty Nailz give you diseases.

Slap Handz
This is pretty simple — use your hand to slap another kid in the face. Upside: most kids already have two! Downside: it’s hard to collect more — though if you’re a Mean Girl maybe you can force your friends to be your auxiliary Slap Handz. Tagline: many Handz make lots of slapping!

Silly Pantz
Rubber pairs of pants you can layer one on top of the other. Every time a girl has sex with a boy, she gets to take his Pantz and wear them. Downside: promotes yeast infections. Upside: you can just pee in them, and no one will know.

Silly Condomz
Fun rubber disks that come in different colors and even flavors. You can blow them up like balloons, or fill them with water and soak your friends. I hear these have something to do with sex too, but I’m not sure, because we had abstinence-only sex ed at my school.

Slap Drugz
Just like a slap bracelet with a syringe attached. Find a good vein and slap it on! Gives new meaning to the term “high five.” Downside: addiction. Upside: Parents will have a real reason to freak out for a change.