If You Only See One Birth Control Commercial Today, Let It Be This

You may not know what you want in life, but you do know that you need time to figure it out. And you’re certainly not going to have that time if you get all knocked up!

That, anyhow, is the cliched pitch being made in Beyaz’s new commercial which debuted this week.

What’s Beyaz? Basically, it’s Yaz II (The Clot Strikes Back), but now with bonus levomefolate calcium, which will help raise your folate levels. Handy, ironically, for when you do want to start making babies.

But you don’t yet! Which is why you’re watching this commercial. And what better way to advertise a ladyproduct than to pitch it through a pink-tinged shopping metaphor? If a story is told through shopping, then ladies will definitely understand it. Now everyone pay attention.

So what we have here are four friends — let’s call them Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda, because every group of four females inherently falls into this model — who are going to go shopping in the Department Store of Life, where you can find your dreams and take ’em home. At a glance, the layout of this store looks a lot like the cosmetics department at Bloomingdales. Probably not a coincidence, since La Prairie also helps you find your dreams.

Anyhow, at this Department Store of Life and/or Dreams, you can only do shopping if your womb is nice and tidy. If your uterus is maxed out, your dreams are going to be declined like a banged-up credit card that nobody wants. But should you gain entry, you can shop around for all sorts of life choices! Want a grad school degree? Grab one! How about a boyfriend? Take your pick — the sporty boyfriend of color is particularly popular. Or maybe you want just a simple pleasure, like a picnic by a waterfall as envisioned by Thomas Kincaide. Beyazingdales can do that too.

You can even buy a generic pink house, perfect for procreating in. But do you want to buy the stork too? No thanks. Talk to the hand, stork! Now let’s ditch that shit and take a trip to Paris. You can because you’re got choices.