This Week In Tabloids: Katie Holmes Is An Addict

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, your friendly neighborhood tabloid roundup. This week, Justin Timberlake continues to text Olivia Munn; Taylor Swift’s been stabbed in the heart, figuratively; and Katie Holmes has become a glassy-eyed junkie.

Ok!
“Pregnant and Betrayed”
The krisis that Khloé Kardashian is “speaking out” about is that E! executives made her dye her red hair back to brown. “Her plan to look unique fell apart,” claims OK!. An insider says, “Khloe is a grown woman. She couldn’t believe she didn’t have a choice. She was livid.” Kate Hudson is pregnant and betrayed because her long-estranged biological father, Bill Hudson, is shopping a tell-all about his marriage to Kate’s mom, Goldie Hawn. The upside is that Kate’s baby daddy, Matt Bellamy of Muse, holds the world record for the most guitars smashed on tour, smashing 140 during his Absolution Tour alone! Also inside: Sandra Bullock didn’t want to “entertain a romance” with Ryan Reynolds because “Louis is her top priority,” she’s “focused on her career,” and “she wants her privacy.” According to a source, “The last thing she wants to be seen as is the woman who stole Ryan from Scarlett.” And now a quote from Carrie Fisher! “I wish I still had the body when I was attached to that giant slug wearing that metal bikini.” Jessica Simpson’s fiancé, Eric Johnson, is “so embarrassing” because he “got so drunk at one of Aspen’s trendiest restaurants, he literally fell to the street as he stumbled out.” Also, although Jessica tries not to “flaunt her sugar mama status,” it’s Jess who pays the bills. In a column questioning whether Kim Kardashian’s lips are fake or a side effect of a cold, Heidi F., an NYC-based Kardashian fan, tells the mag, “I kind of believe Kim when she says that the flu is why her lips plumped up.” Please note that every other source quoted in this did-they-have-plastic-surgery feature are all board-certified plastic surgeons. Teen Mom 2‘s Jenelle has been claiming that ex-boyfriend Andrew Lewis is the father of her baby Jace, but friends reveal a “likelier candidate” is some dude named Stephen Fullwood. Jenelle’s “confidant,” some chick named Kaylin, tells the mag that Andrew hit Jenelle. “He tried to push her out of a window and broke her laptop. She even pressed charges.” Jenelle doesn’t want to have a DNA test because she doesn’t want to know. Finally, the mag offers a winter fashion shoot and interview with Glee‘s Jenna Ushkowitz. She says, “I’ve been campaigning for Sandra Oh to play my crazy aunt.”
Grade: F (scarred skin from heroin)

Life & Style
“Sandra’s Heartbreak”
Sandra Bullock has made the “agonizing decision to sacrifice her own happiness so she can devote herself fully and selflessly” to her son, Louis. In other words, she is not in a relationship with Ryan Reynolds. Moving on. Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are worried that a “scathing tell-all” will reveal their deep Scientology secrets. Meanwhile, Justin Timberlake is still communicating with rumored fling Olivia Munn. An insider says Olivia “had several new text messages” from Justin that were sent very recently — in the last few weeks of December. “I saw two of the texts,” says the source. “One said, ‘My relationship was basically over.’ The other said, ‘I’m thinking about you.'” There’s a sidebar on this story called “Justin’s Double Life” (See Fig. 1) which contrasts the “seedy reality” of JT as a tattooed wino and the “clean-cut image” of Justin at an award show. Please note that the tattooed boozehound Justin is in character for a film. Next is an exclusive story about how Kim Zolciak and NeNe Lekes are feuding and it includes NeNe saying, “What Kim needs to understand is that although you’re around a group of black girls, there are certain things you cannot say.” Kim says, “I didn’t use the words ‘nappy ass.'” And: “It’s hysterical to say that I’m a racist… My neighbor has been a friend of mine for five years and she is black. My wig maker has been with me for three years and she’s black.” Cough. Lastly, Lindsay Lohan was spotted drinking a non-alcoholic Shirley Temple while eating with friends at a restaurant in L.A. on January 7th. The mag claims: “While Lindsay sipped on her kiddie cocktail, her friends were doing sake bombs right at the table!” The mag suggests “it’s time to pick new pals.”
Grade: D (red nose from booze)

In Touch
“Jake’s Cruel Rebound”
Taylor Swift has been “stabbed in the heart” because Jake Gyllenhaal cozied up to Taylor’s “nemesis” Camilla Belle at the at a party in L.A. The two were very chatty and flirty, according to a witness, and the mag explains, “As those close to [Taylor] know, Camilla started dating Taylor’s first love, Joe Jonas, immediately after he dumped her, and some even believe that Joe left Taylor for Camilla.” Taylor even wrote a nasty song, “Better Than Revenge,” allegedly about Camilla. And now for some lyrics! “She’s not a saint and she’s not what you think/She’s an actress, whoa/She’s better known for the things that she does on the mattress, whoa/Soon she’s gonna find/stealing other people’s toys on the playground won’t make you may friends… There is nothing I do better than revenge.” Ha! In other news, Reese Witherspoon is planning a low-key wedding. “It will be more of a celebration of their love” than a formal ceremony, says an insider. Reese has decided to wear something vintage rather than a white wedding gown. Cute! Teen Mom 2‘s Jenelle is dating “troubled drifter” Kieffer Delp, who allegedly damaged the driver’s side door of Jenelle’s Honda and her iPhone, and “assaulted” Jenelle “by pushing her on the shoulders, causing her to fall to the ground.” Kieffer went to rehab for heroin addiction, but he and Jenelle smoke pot together, and a source says that once Jenelle got stoned with Kieffer before watching Jace. Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are “drifting apart.” Marc moved to L.A., a city he dislikes, to support Jennifer’s position as judge on American Idol, but he’s “cracking.” An insider says, “He either yells at her or doesn’t take her calls. From what I can see, they just aren’t getting along.” Your obligatory weekly Sad Jen story: Jennifer Aniston had planned to attend the Golden Globes and had been invited to be a presenter, but backed out, and according to the mag, “she wound up instead spending the evening at home watching Angelina Jolie snuggle up to ex-husband Brad Pitt — and once again, wishing she could let go of the past.” The source on this must be her sofa cushions? Because if she was alone how do we know what she was thinking? The sidebar of this story is titled “Jen Had a Lonely Day.” (See Fig. 2) Also, Johnny Depp attended the Golden Globes without girlfriend Vanessa Paradis because she “can’t stand” Angelina. Angelina is a no-good dragon-lady, people! When will your learn? Mariah Carey is terrified of childbirth, so she’s getting hypnotized. The Ryan Reynolds/Sandra Bullock angle in this mag is that Ryan adores Sandra and could see a future with her, but he wants to try to reconcile with Scarlett before he gets serious with anyone else. Lastly, there’s no real answer to the eternal question, “Why Are They Hiding Their Hotness?” (See Fig. 3)
Grade: C- (puffy face from carbo-loading)

Us Weekly
“Elton’s Baby!”
What we have here is a 12-page, very extensive exclusive interview and photos with Elton John, David Furnish, and their new little baby, Zachary. They talk about surrogacy and how they were interviewed by psychologists and regularly counseled. Furnish says, “Our surrogate chose us from an anonymous profile. She knew our ages, that he was British and I was Canadian, that we traveled extensively… Initially we used pseudonyms and got to know her by telephone. Then one day, she just figured out who we were.” Also inside: Seth Rogen and his fiancée do not have a prenup. “If I lose millions, it’ll be the best millions I’ve ever spent,” he says. Christina Agluilera popped up uninvited to Jeremy Renner’s 40th birthday bash, where she got “wasted” and lay down in his bed. Renner says “Someone comes and tells me she’s in my room. I run up and open the door, and I’m like, ‘Um, hi. What are you doing?’ She just starts slurring. Her boyfriend was rubbing her back. Who comes to someone’s birthday party who they don’t know and gets in their bed?! My parents were there!” In Britney news, she will launch a fashion line with BCBG and it will be called Spears for Sears. We cannot stop giggling about this. Lastly, Kate Hudson “definitely wanted another baby” but has no plans to marry boyfriend Matt Bellamy, claims a source. “She wanted Ryder to have a sibling” and Matt went along with it.
Grade: B- (diaper rash)

Star
“Katie Drug Shocker!”
The cover story begins thusly: “With glazed eyes and a vacant expression on her face, Katie Holmes tightly gripped the steering wheel… It was time for another dose of treatment.” In a world exclusive, several former Scientologists tell Star that Scientology treatments have an effect “similar to heroin!” Apparently, using the e-meter, the device used in Scientology’s auditing, gives its subjects “a temporary feeling of euphoria, followed by a crash and a craving for more,” just like eating brownies. Former Scientologist and engineering student Arnaldo Lerma says, “For me, it was like taking a Percocet. My pupils would dilate a little bit. But then there would be a sag effect after, a hangover of sorts.” He also says, “Like a heroin addict, you want another dose, only it’s a dose of auditing.” Star attempts to support this ridiculousness by showing pictures of Katie Holmes shopping and looking “spacey” and contrasting them with a happy red carpet picture labeled “Before Tom.” (See Fig. 4) To be clear: There is no actual “drug shocker.” Lindsay Lohan is in the Knifestyles special and plastic surgeon Dr. Michael Fiorillo, who has not treated Linds, says “She definitely had her lips injected with Juvederm or Restylane. (See Fig. 5) Britney Spears has “packed on” at least 10 pounds and an insider says, “She could be pregnant.” The mag adds, “But Brit’s weight gain could also be simply the result of laziness.” Ouch. Blind item! “Which vertically-challenged actor has his female assistant of 15 years do more than just run errands? According to an insider, she must also have sex with him whenever he wants it. His actress wife of decades has no clue.” We guess Danny DeVito? Unsolicited Uterus Update: Hillary Duff is pregnant. Meanwhile, Selena Gomez is torn between teen dream Justin Bieber and Cory Monteith from Glee, “her co-star in upcoming rom-com Monte Carlo“. Sandra Bullock and Scarlett Johansson avoided an awkward run-in on the red carpet at the Golden Globes because Sandra had her people use walkie-talkies to direct her and warn her if Scarlett was anywhere around. Ke$ha tells people she doesn’t know who her father is, but her dad, Bob Chamberlain, says, “I was in her life from the time she was born until she was 19 years old.” The Bachelor’s Brad Womack, whose real name is Stephen Bradley Pickelsimer, was arrested for forgery, public intoxication, and also found guilty of passing a bad check way back in the early ’90s. Last, but IN NO WAY LEAST, here is a picture of BooBoo Stewart and his dog Chomper hugging it out. (See Fig. 6)
Grade: B- (delirium and glow caused by religious ecstasy)

Fig. 1 (from In Touch)

Fig. 2 (from In Touch)

Fig. 3 (from In Touch)

Fig. 4 (from Star)

Fig. 5 (from Star)

Fig. 6 (from Star)