Wisconsin Christmas Present Contains Methy Surprise

A midwestern mother received a vacuum cleaner for Christmas, along with a surprise gift of $280K worth of drugs someone had stashed inside. First Clay Matthews’s confusing roided-up-Fabio-joins-a-crappy-metal-band hairdo, and now this? Strange things are afoot in Green Bay.

According to local authorities, no one knew anything was amiss with the refurbished vacuum cleaner until the recipient opened the gift to discover 2 pounds of crystal meth and 2.2 lbs of cocaine stashed inside. No indication of why the woman suspected that the gift may contain contraban, although I bet what tipped her off was the vacuum cleaner’s excessive chattiness, erratic behavior and obnoxiously high levels of energy. The vacuum cleaner reportedly was also listening to Sleigh Bells at a very high volume.

Green Bay area police suspect the drugs were smuggled via vacuum from Juarez, Mexico, where the machine was refurbished, and the woman and her family won’t be charged with anything.

Have authorities ruled out the fact that this could have been a misguided attempt by the woman’s children to help her throw the sickest party of all time?

Child one: Mom seems really stressed out this year.
Child two: Well, these are difficult times.
Child one: Let’s get her an awesome present that will help her keep a clean house but also take her mind off of things. Mom doesn’t seem to have enough fun.
Child two: Well, we can either get her a KitchenAid mixer and fill it with grade-A British Columbia bud or we can get her a vacuum cleaner full of crystal meth and cocaine.
Child one: Let’s go with that second thing. Our coffee maker’s broken and she could use a pick-me-up.