This Week In Tabloids: Angelina Adopts African Kid

This very special episode of Midweek Madness is better late than never!

First the snow delayed delivery of the magazines in Manhattan, then yours truly came down with a high fever. But nothing can stop the gossip! Let’s begin.

(Note: We skipped Ok! this week due to consistent crappiness.)

Life & Style
“Diet Winners.”
In case the strained smiles in the strangely cobbled-together images on the cover — three ladies from three different photo shoots, in three different types of light — didn’t already give it away, this issue sucks. Pages and pages of “secrets” of how stars “peeled off the pounds.” Naturally, there’s nothing “secret” about weight loss: Kendra “banished belly fat” by eating a low-fat, low-cal diet, lifting weights, running, daily cardio and “deep-ab work to pull the uterus back into place.” Quoth her trainer: “She worked her butt off!” Bethenny Frankel’s body is “better after baby” because she eats portion-controlled meals, Rollerblades, surfs and does yoga. Jennifer Hudson dropped six dress sizes by joining Weight Watchers and working out at least five days a week. Gwyneth Paltrow lost the 12 pounds she gained for Country Strong by doing 45 minutes of cardio a day and 45 minutes of muscle training a day. Kim Kardashian “works out all the time” and Kelly Osbourne does 30 minutes of interval cardio and 30 minutes of strength training three to four days a week. So the “new secret to instant weight loss” advertised on the cover is: Eat less, work out more. Moving on: Jason Sudeikis and January Jones are no longer seeing each other now that he’s back in New York. A source claims, “It worked when he was in L.A. doing movie work; it was convenient and easy.” Ew. Now Jason is dating the sister of Seth Meyers’ girlfriend; the four went to a Knicks game recently. Meanwhile, January hangs with her dog.
Grade: D- (no closet)

Us
“How He Broke Her Heart.”
Backstage at the People’s Choice Awards, Taylor Swift was “uncharacteristically sullen.” An underminery eyewitness says: “She was not her usual bubbly, overanimated self.” And! “She didn’t eat anything, seemed very sad and definitely wasn’t having a good time.” Sob. Apparently Jake Gyllenhaal broke up with Taylor over the phone. Ouch. He told her it wasn’t working out, and even though they’d only been dating for two months, she is “really upset and hurt.” A source adds: “She doesn’t know what she did for him to just put a stop to it.”And: “She was so excited that he liked her!” Anyway, Jake told Taylor it was all just going too fast, and Taylor is dealing with her shattered heart by working out every day. She runs for two hours and walks “for miles and miles,” according to a source. The best part of this story is the very last line from an “insider” : “She’s starting to learn to be more cautious with love. She realizes it’s not all a fairy tale.” But it will be, in the song lyrics! Also inside: Camille Grammer says of The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills: “I hate the person who I am on that show. She is a monster.” Kate Hudson is pregnant, after meeting Muse frontman Matt Bellamy at Coachella last April. A source says she was interested in Radiohead’s Thom Yorke at the time, but when he rebuffed her advances, she asked, loudly, “What other hot bands here have single guys in them?” Then she met Matt. It was a match made in heaven; “Matt wanted to marry her as soon as he met her,” swears a “pal.” The two of them never argue, and the only reason he hasn’t asked her to be his wife is because he’s not sure she’ll say yes. True love!
Grade: C+ (coat closet)

Star
“Living For The Moment”
Fucking Star loves Michael Douglas Deathwatch™. The copy accompanying images of Michael and Cathy Z frolicking in the surf in Miami reads, “The happier healthier and heavier Michael was a far cry from the gaunt, hollow-eyed shell he had become…” Since Michael has said that his tumor is gone, but admitted that he has to check in with doctors on a monthly basis, the mag claims that not knowing what his future holds is “tearing Michael and Catherine up.” A doctor who has not treated Michael says: “The five-year survival rate for this type of cancer is less than 50 percent.” I guess we’re supposed to take this as “what the couple is hiding.” Also inside: A fashion battle between Maddox Jolie-Pitt and Suri Cruise results in a tie! (see Fig. 1) Blind item! (Fig. 2) “Which starlet had a breakdown over the holidays after ending this with her ex once and for all? Turns out he wasn’t just cheating on her. He had given her the sexually transmitted disease chlamydia — for the third time!” In a piece about Owen Wilson being a daddy, we learn that his “secret” pregnant girlfriend, Jade Duell, is a “gorgeous, gun-toting air marshal.” Awesome! He met her on a flight from L.A. to D.C., and she relocated to Maui to be with him. Jade grew up in Greenport, Long Island, went to the University of Maryland’s College of Behavioral and Social Sciences, and majored in criminal justice and Asian American studies. Love her. The mag points out that Owen is “back from the brink” after his 2007 suicide attempt, and will probably name his new son “Ford Linton Wilson.” Finally, in a revolting bodysnarking spread called “The Chub Club,” (Fig. 3), we learn that Jessica Simpson’s fiancé “likes her with some meat on her bones,” Zac Efron has a “fuller frame” (although we’ve read elsewhere that he’s beefed up to play a soldier in a film, that’s not mentioned here), Christina Aguilera “ate her way through her heartbreak last year,” and Jennifer Love Hewitt “is a bottom-heavy 126 lbs.” because she “enjoys her food.” Atta girl!
Grade: C (shallow closet)

In Touch
“Baby No. 7 On The Way.”
When Angelina Jolie was in Namibia over the holidays, she visited the Unesco center orphanage, where she “fell in love” with a 5-year-old girl. The mag claims that “Ethiopian-born Zahara bonded with her instantly,” because that is what black folks do, and so Angie is adopting a seventh child. As soon as possible. Zahara has been requesting a little sister who “looks like her,” says the mag, so this should fulfill that request. Moving on. Natalie Portman’s friends think she’s being used by her fiancé Benjamin Millepied. “He’s a self-promoter who’s loving the spotlight,” a “friend” says. And, since he left his live-in girlfriend to be with Natalie, her friends don’t think he’s a good person. “He seems like a social climber,” says one. Another says: “They’re calling him the ballet version of K-Fed!” Next, a bodysnark extravaganza called “Stars Prove No Body’s Perfect” (see Fig. 4) points out that Kate Gosselin has “tummy wrinkles,” LeAnn Rimes has “protruding hip bones,” “Chloë Sevigny has “dimpling around her rear,” Gisele Bundchen has a “tiny butt” and Jennifer Love Hewitt has “a few dimples.” The mag claims, “It’s comforting to know that even Hollywood’s hottest aren’t flawless,” but it’s not comforting, it’s nit-picking and judging. Bleh. Taylor Swift had a “flirty night” with Zac Efron when they both attended the People’s Choice Awards; Taylor was flirting with Zac and Vanessa Hudgens looked annoyed. But TayTay was just trying to be friendly! A friend says: “She wanted to make a special effort to seem ‘cool’ and in good spirits. Ever since the breakup (with Jake), she’s been very sad and embarrassed.” Christina Aguilera is a “bad influence” on Nicole Richie because Xtina and her ladyfriends have a “Mommy Party Night” every week. Joel Madden does not like this, not one bit! Personal assistant blind items! So many. (See Fig. 5) Number one: No idea. Number two: Lindsay? Number three: One of the Real Housewives of Atlanta. Number four: All of them? Number five: A Jonas? Last, but certainly not least, we have a heartbreaking photo of Christina Aguilera’s closet. (see Fig. 6) Not the whole thing. Just the shoe portion. Life is so unfair.
Grade: B- (walk-in closet)

Fig. 1 (from Star)

Fig. 2 (from Star)

Fig. 3 (from Star) click to enlarge

Fig. 4 (from In Touch) click to enlarge

Fig. 5 (from In Touch) click to enlarge

Fig. 6 (from In Touch) click to enlarge