Bored By Kim Kardashian's Body? Let's Talk About Kourtney's, Then!

Our appetite for breaking news updates about Kim Kardashian’s ever-changing body will never be satiated. But even we need to mix things up now and again. So let’s talk about her sister Kourtney’s body instead. How is it different?

Well, it seems to be smaller, because Kourtney is shorter than Kim. And it also contains a different human soul, which expresses itself through its own unique personality (YES, Kardashians do too have souls … stop being so mean). Kim’s body is somewhat hard to describe with any sense of certainty, because it’s always evolving as her lifestyle changes. Compared to her sis, Kourtney seems a bit more consistent—affording body analysts a bit more leeway in coming up with authoritative assessments. So let’s just describe the Kourtney bod like E! does: “stunning,” “slammin,” and “picture-perfect”:

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Hmm, maybe if you swear off carbs and drinks, you too can obtain a tiny baby and bad jerk-boyfriend of your very own? We’ve heard that it happens. Sometimes the baby and boyfriend sneak up on the unsuspecting woman while she’s on an exercise machine. They greet her with a smile and a Vitamin water, and the trio instantly becomes a happy family.

So, which Kardashibody will E! report on next? Will it finally become Khloe’s turn? Or will E! take a generational detour and focus on Kris Jenner before covering Khloe’s body news? Life gets more suspenseful and exciting every day.

E! should consider doing a longer feature in which Bruce Jenner (gold-medal patriarch) leads the family in a personal branding decathlon. In unity, there’s strength.