Jersey Shore: What Makes Sammi Suck?

By Tracie Egan Morrissey | January 7, 2011 | 9:40pm

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Sammi’s behavior embodies that particularly perplexing female phenomenon of taking out one’s frustrations with one’s boyfriend’s iniquitous actions on other women, however directly or indirectly they’re involved with said boyfriend’s improprieties. Or, as Deena would put it, she’s a cunt.

Sammi is like one of those women who go on Judge Judy, because she keyed the car of the girl with whom her boyfriend cheated, but remains in a relationship with the boyfriend. The litigant should really be mad at the boyfriend.

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Snooki has the right idea about these things. Vinny fucked her best friend in the ass—which apparently she saw with her own eyes—right after she told him she had feelings for him. She holds Vinny accountable for his actions, instead of her friend (or at least, that’s what I surmised, since she didn’t say “my former best friend”), because Vinny should’ve dealt with her emotions more responsibly. It’s probably because Snooki is a girls’ girl. She enjoys spending time with other females, confides in them, and respects their opinions on important matters, like vibrators.

Sammi, however hates the three girls in the house because two of them tried to tell her that Ronnie cheated on her, but they didn’t tell her soon enough. Or to her face? Or something? Seriously, there is no logic behind it. Actually, it’s less logical than a couple choosing to room in bedroom with three beds in it. (WTF was that about?) And poor Deena Nicole, the new girl who tried to be open-minded and friendly with Sammi, was unfortunately found guilty by association in Sammi’s nonsensical reasoning. Only a curmudgeon would be rude to Deena. The girl is not embarrassed about her vagina, considers herself “a blast in a glass,” and has her own dictionary (that’s not in alphabetical order), defining terms like “suck dick for Skittles,” which evidently has two meanings.

Anyway, the minute Sammi entered the house, she was determined to be miserable by grooming herself (flipping her hair, fixing her earring, looking at her nails) through a series of sulks, eye-rolls, and bitchfaces.

It was a self-fulfilling prophecy when she insisted to Ronnie that it’s her “against the whole house.” He tried to comfort Sammi, in one of their pouting-in-bed sessions as they’re apt to do (actually, it seems like that’s all they do) by telling her that he’s in her corner and he’s gonna have her back or whatever. But when he said that, even she asked, “Why?”

Really, though, Ronnie. Why? You seem to enjoy anything but hanging out with Sammi. And for someone who thinks that her shit doesn’t stink, the only thing more ironic than Sammi’s nickname her seemingly constant appearance of confronting an offending odor.

Anyway, Ronnie honored his word when he stormed down to the living room—with Sammi gleefully tailing behind—to confront Deena about the things that Sammi had been pretending to “brush awf.” But once he got things going, Sammi joyfully chimed in, which led to JWoww literally trying to wipe that stank look off her face.

There’s really no winning with girls like Sammi, because she will always think that she’s the victim of malicious women. Actually, better said, is that there is no winning for Sammi, because who wants to go through life always being at odds with other women, instead of reaping the benefits of having relationships with them? (I mean, the importance of vibrator comparisons is no joke.) She’ll just end up losing, in the end.

From the short preview clip of what viewers can be expected to see this season, she does end up getting mad enough at Ronnie to punch him in the face.

However, it’s not for any of the reasons on her laundry list of how he’s done her wrong (remember the whole Fred Flinstone feet thing?), but because he told her that he considers JWoww to be his friend. It was then insinuated that Sammi leaves the house. Whatever. BYE!