The Art Of Getting Dressed While Drunk

Recently, I received an interesting query: “I need help with drunk-dressing.” Well, don’t we all!

Like other actions starting with “D,” dressing and alcohol can be a dangerous and foolhardy mix. But, apparently, it happens. Now, the question, it seems to me, could apply to both what to wear in anticipation of being drunk, and how to get dressed when one is, in fact and for whatever reason, already drunk. Basically, you just want to avoid looking like Baby Jane.

As I see it, you have a few options. (Besides, I guess, anything from this company.) You can just do the drunk thing.

Alternatively, you can play it very safe: if you know your judgment is impaired or likely to be, get some solid basics that are unlikely to suffer wardrobe malfunction or spillage and have them ready to go.

In any case, there are certain items that people should — although they don’t — avoid for the safety of themselves, the garments, and those around them. This includes any shoe designed by Alexander McQueen, anything pure white, anything that is liable to fall down, ride up or split, and complex networks of straps, ties or layers.

I’ll confess it: I’m not much of a drinker. I am, however, a lightweight. And if I should happen to have a drink prior to dressing, I get creative. Not like I ever need to be drunk to make a spectacle of myself, but sometimes it gives me the Dutch courage to take a risk I wouldn’t normally: a full-on beehive or an over-the-knee boot, say. As another friend put it, “after a few drinks, I’ll try a full-on cat-eye.” And these impulses should not be tamed! Wear that hat! Try that jumpsuit! Well, depending on how drunk we’re taking about. Jumpsuits can be problematic.

Or maybe, you have other priorities. As one woman says, “I make questionable romantic decisions when I drink. So in addition to a good, responsible friend to whisper in my ear, I tend to wear the ultimate chastity belt: granny panties.” If this is a concern for you, for extra insurance, I suggest a leotard worn over tights — although, be warned, you will not be able to pee.