The singer/choreographer/former American Idol Judge/cartoon beastiality enthusiast has never been drunk in her life, not a once. No siree.

While it was rumored that Abdul's erratic and possibly chemically induced behavior caused her American Idol gig to end, she insists that when she hits the bottle, it's only a love pat. Here's what I don't understand: why would you try to hoist more responsibility onto yourself for acting super weird on TV? The public gave you an out, Paula, and you insist "no, I wasn't drunk; I'm just a super bizarre, unstable person with whom you would not want to share an elevator." [HuffPo]
Elton John's baby has his own apartment, which is great because Elton John's baby is reportedly a really horrible roommate, what with all the screaming and pants-shitting and milk hogging (and after he drinks all the milk in the house, do you think he goes to the grocery store to replace it? Not a goddamn time) and refusal to contribute to the electric bill. When confronted with his multiple roommate infractions, the little jerk pretended he didn't know how to speak English and peed himself. We know you speak English, Elton John's baby! You're in goddamn England! [Daily Mail]
Lindsay Lohan is going to design shoes as soon as she gets out of rehab, because the fashion industry is a great place to be if you're trying to not do drugs. [Showbiz Spy]
Pamela Anderson has been named PETA's "Person of the Year" for exemplifying PETA's two most important principals: animal rights, and boobies. [Digital Spy]
Rihanna, Jay-Z, and Kanye West hung out together on NYE in Las Vegas. If only Nicki Minaj had shown up, the four of them could have changed the barbershop quartet genre forever. [Just Jared]
Former child violin prodigy and Julliard standout Kim Kardashian has a new song out that really challenges the limits of the 4/4 time signature— just kidding; it's a club hit about being fabulous and rich and awesome that's about as creative as a bologna sandwich with the crusts cut off. [Too Fab]
An unreleased new song by Katy Perry has leaked, so if you want a preview of track 12 of "Now That's What I Call Music Volume 2341," you may want to listen to it now. Either that, or wait for one of the twelve million times it's played on the radio over the upcoming months. [HuffPo]
OPRAH VAGINA WATCH 2011- DAY 2: Oprah Winfrey claims that she and her bestie Gayle King sometimes share a bed but are not lesbians, okay? When they coyly admit that they also sometimes make out at bars, so boys will buy them drinks, we'll know that the Katy Perry saturation level in our culture has reached crisis levels. [Showbiz Spy]
Michael Lohan has written a song for his daughter Lindsay. If I get married in 2011, I guess I know what song's going to be played during the father-daughter dance! [Perez]
Russell Brand posted a picture of his wife Katy Perry sans makeup on Twitter. Katy Perry without makeup?! That's almost as bizarre as a former Christian singer making a career out of turning her boobs into frosting-covered weapons of mass confusion.[News.co.au]
In a move that will undoubtedly invite cheap shots from late night comedians, John Mellencamp reportedly began boinking Meg Ryan. Get it? Because he used to go by John "Cougar" Mellencamp and she is a woman over the age of 35 and thus her sexuality should be compared to that of a predatory cat??? [Showbiz Spy]
Singer of late 90's rural American prom themes Shania Twain has gotten married again to her former best friend's ex husband. For those of you keeping score at home, Shania Twain's ex husband is now shacked up with the former best friend. The Aristocrats![Us]
Valerie Bertinelli also got married yesterday. Congratulations and stuff, but I don't think that I could ever in good conscience get married on New Year's Day and expect my friends to show up in anything but pajama pants and with those old fashioned hot water bottles on their heads and smelling of metabolizing vodka through their skin, probably because Valerie Bertinelli's friends are much better at being functional grown ups and foregoing the traditional "get drunk" holidays than my friends are. [Contact Music]
Nicki Minaj posted a motivational speech for her fans. [Daily Mail]
Amber Portwood Teen Mom's resident dudepuncher, has claimed she's been offered $500,000 to star in an adult film. Unfortunately, the adult film is of the Vivid Entertainment variety, and not of the "film of a former teen mom acting like a functional adult" variety. [Digital Spy]
Actual Real Live Edward Cullen and Kristen Stewart, Who Is Literally Bella Swan, spent the new year on the Isle of Wright gazing at each other and not smiling and clasping hands and whispering sweet nothings about how they hate being actors into each other's ears. [Showbiz Spy]