In this week's compilation of pop culture crap, bisexual apes on Oprah, Dr. Oz answers a question about a sleeping vagina, and an 82-year-old woman says "fuck" on the evening news.
1.) A bisexual ape hit on Lisa Ling and Oprah's camera crew.
Kanzi is a "talking" ape (using computerized lexigrams to communicate), made famous in an issue of Time. Oprah sent Lisa Ling out to Iowa to meet him, and he got fresh with not only the female reporter, but the male film crew. Apparently, bisexuality is a cultural trait among bonobos.
2.) The best question Oprah has ever asked.
On a different episode this week, Oprah interviewed a woman with multiple personalities. It's a complicated disorder that's difficult for most people to really comprehend. So Oprah cut the bullshit.
3.) Normal vaginas.
Dr. Oz focused one episode of his show this week, answering anonymous questions about whether people are normal. This woman wanted know if she's normal, since her vagina falls asleep when she sits on it too long. Dr. Oz said this is normal, and—much like with a limb that falls asleep—to make the numbness go away, you need to wiggle it. So feel free to wiggle your pussies, girls. It's normal, and doctor-approved.
4.) Christine O'Donnell trying to talk.
I'm never really surprised when seemingly unintelligent and unqualified people make a big splash in politics. But I thought that at the very least, politicians were supposed to be skilled public speakers. Isn't the ability to orate pretty much the one fundamental thing at which politicians need to be competent, kinda like how a librarian needs to know how to read? It's even scarier that this woman is talking about guns. On a brighter note, she literally began this press conference by saying, "I don't have magical powers."
5.) Perfect ending to a drunken fight.
Do you remember Shauvon, the girl who thought she popped her implant on a previous season of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge? She's back for another round, and on the first night in the house, she got shitfaced and got in a confusing fight with another drunk chick. It was a pretty uneventful scuffle, but the best part is that only minutes later, neither girl could remember what had just happened, or who it just happened with.
6.) Girls touching boobs.
Speaking of implants, Snooki, Snooki's friend, and JWoww shared a special moment together.
7.) Liza's last Larry King Live interview.
For her last televised talk with Larry, Liza gave us (or someone on the floor?) some comforting words about hip-replacement surgery. She says it doesn't hurt. Although she probably shouldn't tell Dr. Feelgood that, 'cause he might cut off her supply.
8.) Michaele Salahi on being a Washington Redskins cheerleader.
She was not a Redskins cheerleader. Even her brother said so. But facts don't matter to Michaele. Memories are still memories, even if they're imagined.
9.) Charo got bleeped on The Wendy Williams Show.
10.) An 82-year-old woman got bleeped on the evening news.
This is exactly how I want to be when I'm their age. They dance. They go on cruses. They tell people to go fuck themselves. They are perfect.