This Week In Tabloids: Angelina Cheated On Brad With Blonde Female Rocker
CelebritiesWelcome back to Midweek Madness, in which assistant Margaret and I attempt to ingest the nutty stuff produced by the weekly tabloids. Details from Us, In Touch, Ok!, Life & Style and Star, inside.
Life & Style
“Trista & Ryan’s New Baby.”
Margaret refused to read the cover story, so we won’t talk about that. Also inside: A piece called “Brad And Jen Get Close Again” is about Brad visiting a hotel downtown (for a photoshoot), which was super close to the hotel where Jen is staying while shooting The Baster. In the end, they didn’t meet up, though. The magazine also alleges that Jennifer Aniston is “dressing like” Angelina Jolie because — GASP — she wore a high ponytail [Fig. 1]. What else? Cameron Diaz will never settle down because a psychologist who does not treat her says “she represents women who recognize that maybe they’re not going one partner for a lifetime, and that should be okay.” A sidebar about Cammie is titled, “Her Long-Term Loves Never Last.” Wait, if they were long-term, how did they not last? Also, Cam gets compared to George Clooney. Rihanna is dating again; the mag links her to three different guys. Ooh, look: A grade-school picture of Michelle Obama [Fig. 2]!
Grade: F (raw, poisonous cashews)
Ok!
“Secrets From The Set”
Here’s the “secret”: Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and some other New Moon peeps went back to the hotel and jammed on guitars and harmonica. This mag also has a quiz: “Who Is Your New Moon Soulmate?” Also inside: Britney’s kids will be able to go with her on the European leg of her tour. There’s a glittery pic of American Idol‘s Adam “Glambert” Lambert [Fig. 3], who says, “I have nothing to hide.”
Grade: F (burned chestnuts)
Us
“Affair With Teacher.”
Jon Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus 8 is having an affair with an elementary school teacher named Deanna Hummel, says her brother, Jason Hummel (and five other sources). Jason tell the mag that the two have been dating for three months and “spend tons of time together.” Jon only slept over once, but the two would be gone all weekend sometimes. Quoth Jason: “How do I say this? The walls are thin, let’s just say that. I mean, no one wants to hear his sister having sex. Let alone with a married dude who’s like almost twice her age and who has 8 kids and a maybe-crazy wife.” There are pix of Deanna sunbathing at Jon’s house in a bikini. And apparently there is video of Jon leaving Deanna’s house at 7:30 in the morning. Jason says, “Either Jon didn’t care about keeping it a secret or he’s the world’s dumbest man. He would come over and park one of his three cars right across the street… Dude, when you’re sleeping with a woman who’s not your wife and TV cameras follow you everywhere, you better keep that quiet. I just think he’s such a fucking moron.” By the by, Jason used to be a drug dealer.
Grade: C (shelled walnuts)