I'll continue to take my butt sex advice from SM, thank you.

"Just start sticking your fist up her butt. Don't do it slowly, just go right ahead. If she's a cool girl, she'll be okay with it."

My hatred of "The Hills," a show I have never seen, just keeps growing exponentially. Soon it will blot out the sun and we will all wither and die in icy cold darkness. DIE, you useless plastic pathetic excuses for humanity.

Ahem.

This may sound cheesy, but I'm really glad Britney is getting more time with her kids. It seems like she's trying really hard to undo all the damage of the past couple of years and I'm proud of her.

Spencer Pratt may just be the last man I would ever have butt sex with.

@misssgolightly: Is that his advice?

My friends have told me it's best to just go for it, taking it slow just makes it hurt more.

I am still scarred from the first time I tried it.

Bah, Spencer's an idiot. Just fucking ask if she's into it. Or he.

I hate that sneak attack shit. Like, I'm cool with anal sometimes and all, but if a dude was so lame he thought he'd get to stick it in there just by upping finger count slowly? What the FUCK?

Reason # 12000945 that Spencer probably sucks in bed.

(And I've never seen the Hills.)

@Archetype: No he basically said if you're a gay man, you can talk about it on the first date. If you're a straight man, you just slip in one finger at a time and see if she's okay with it.
Umm.. BAD. ADVICE.

@Archetype: I'm a recent convert. Drugs helped, but in the absence of that, please be drunk. Use lots of lube and expect it to hurt for the first ten or twenty seconds. Then he'll get into a rhythm and as you are DRUNK and feeling dirty enough to go for anal, you'll relax and it turns out to be... well, dirty hot!

This is from a girl who can barely SAY the word anal and never, ever talks about that part of the body. This was an insane hurdle for me and if I can do it, anyone can.

@misssgolightly: Dr. Ruth couldn't have said it better.

@misssgolightly: "Just go ahead and move on in to her butt. Don't ask if she minds. Then leave your dishes everywhere and don't clean up after yourself. And if she asks you to leave, tell her she's a selfish bitch."

Last night, I finally put my foot down. I didn't watch "The Hills." I can't say that, one day in the near future, I'll be hungover on a Sunday afternoon and there will be a marathon on MTV and I will be too weak to change the channel. But I'm not aiming for it.

@misssgolightly: I'm mostly weirded out that Spencer sounds like an authority when it comes to anal sex.

@tailfeather: I find your advice even more creditable since you're called Tail Feather ;)

hmm i agree... not horrible.
But "just go for it"... ouchie!

"Feel the rain on your skin, bitches!" LOL

Seriously though, I hated that song when it was on the radio, and I definitely can't stand it as the opening song to the Hills-- the world's most inane show filled with the most vapid entitled 20-somethings leading the most contrived and insipid lives. Worst. TV. Show. EVER.

Did anyone read the link to the drinking game? I am gonna get wasted when my thesis is done and I can kick back and catch up on this season!

I'm pretty sure Spencer would know a good amount about anal sex from first hand experience

Oh, and I bet Heidi and Spencer have a lotta butt sex. Excuse me, must go vomit. But seriously, and I bet she bleaches her butt-hole.

Spencer has a boxing coach? Maybe that's literal and the dude helps him box up his crap after he gets kicked out by all the girls in his lame life.

@acidspit: The Laguna Beach theme song was awful too. It was that lame Hillary Duff one.. "I'm shedding, shedding every color... trying to find a pigment of truth under my skin" or something like that. Laguna Beach should have had some trashy bouncy pop song, not some pseudo-angsty-finding yourself anthem by HIllary Duff.

@RocketRockit: I was just about to write the same thing! I took it off my TiVo list, and refused to watch it anymore. What a fucking waste of time, it just gets more and more boring. The decision not to watch has been strangely liberating!

I read today that Whitney Port's USC degree is in gender studies. Which explains why she chooses to work with such feminist luminaries as Lauren Conrad and the Pussycat Dolls. (Okay, Kelly Cutrone is kind of legit.)

Fun Fact: Slut Machine is quoted in the Rolling Stone Hills article.

I know this because I waited for my copy to come in the mail with baited breath, and when it finally did today, I went right inside and read the entire article before even taking my sunglasses off.

I'm ain't ashamed of my Hills love.

Yesterday, I finally succumbed to the powerful suction of The Hills. The cavernous part of my brain felt complete...but after a few minutes I realized I was drooling. And barely breathing. I think I died a little, actually. So I changed the channel.

@stoprobbers: seriously? hmmm. maybe this whole thing is an experiment on her part. i always thought she seemed a bit removed from the discussions etc as if she was taking it all in more than participating. maybe a little anthropological fieldwork, hey? what a kick that would be.

@pickflick: er, yeah, the above was actually a response to your comment, not stoprobbers'...

@misssgolightly: Actually, he said that fairly jokingly. His real advice was that it's the woman who should bring it up first, which seems reasonable.
Wait, did I just defend the Devil?

@acidspit: Great line Jennifer! But seriously, isn't the spirit of that insipid song about being independent and working hard for your goals and dreams? and isn't The Hills about anything BUT that?

Oh and one more thing, I am a believer that if a guy wants anal, he should be open to receiving anal as well. So, Spencer, no complaints when Heidi "sticks [her] pinkie in there, and then another finger, and then another."

Okay, Klonopin is WAYYYY better than this show.

@MiseAmiee: Good point. And if there's any girl who hates her body, it's definitely Heidi. @

href="#c5558055">pickflick: That's not surprising, she was always the most interesting out of all the girls. And the most driven.

Although it reads funny sometimes, I hate this trend of calling other women bitches. Makes me glad I'm old, er, older.

it just came to me. THIS COLUMN is why spencer sits on the couch all day. he's giving people internet advice! he works from (his sister's) home!

@Kaehoku: We should form some sort of support group. I sort of want to see some of this Chloe puppy. But I can't look at Spencer's face anymore, I just can't.