A thousand years ago in internet time, a New York Post columnist who definitely wasn't trying to write herself into a possible future book deal (which she got) and maybe romcom deal (which she has yet to get, thank god) told everyone who would listen that her boyfriend told her that once she made him 300 sandwiches, he'd propose to her. And she was like, yay! And everyone else was like ugh. Well, our long national nightmare is over: 300 Sandwiches Lady has gotten engaged to the guy who she thinks looks like Alexander Skarsgard. After only making 257 sandwiches.
The surprise proposal occurred while the pair were on vacation in Barbados and it involved a heart made of flower petals and a oceanside pool and of fucking course they're trying to make a hashtag about it happen (#greatestproposalever, which doesn't seem to be getting legs). On one hand, it's lovely that the two got engaged under less craven circumstances than a carefully choreographed book party photo op while the 300th sandwich is presented to him with a flourish in exchanged for a ring, like some kind of fucked up Bartertown exchange officiated by a hyper-futuristic Tina Turner.
On the other, the Surprise Proposal is actually Surprisingly Existential Crisis-inducing. In a way, it can teach us all an important lesson about what we can control (ourselves) and cannot control (other people). And even the most steadfast and repeated promise of reward is no guarantee that a specific course of action will produce a specific outcome. Even if you take it as a given. Maybe you won't get the job you wanted after fulfilling everything your boss asked of you. Maybe you'll be plucked out of subway trackside singer obscurity to become a pop star. Maybe your boyfriend will propose to you after you make him something called "The Fishkiller." Maybe he'll break up with you after you make him a baby.
Life's big moments happen no matter how obsessively our publicist and literary agent tries to plan them for us. And to the future Mrs. and Mr. 300 Sandwiches, I wish you the best of luck.
And pray that you go away forever now. Please.
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