Why climb Everest? Pioneering mountaineer George Mallory said: “Because it is there.”
The mountaineer’s lesson—always strive to climb higher—is lost on many sex-havers. When it comes to boning, complacency sets in early. Innovation takes a backseat to comfort. Night after night, we satisfy ourselves with missionary style, or some other position in which our bodies move as little as possible. These are the baked boneless skinless chicken breasts of sex positions. It doesn’t have to be this way.
There is a cure for the sexual doldrums, and it is called “Eiffel 69.”
The Eiffel 69 is a combination of the classic “69" arrangement and the newer but no less essential “Eiffel Tower” spit-roast setup. It is the jalapeño lobster jambalaya of sex positions—a soupy tangle simply too hot for any but the adventurous palate. Gross and fishy for some, admittedly; a rare, invigorating delicacy for others.
To my knowledge, no one has attempted it, although I would like you to email me immediately if you have—or if you do.
To execute an Eiffel 69, you need four people. Gender is not important. (It’s 2016, baby.) Stamina is essential. A raised platform of sorts is necessary—perhaps a pile of throw pillows, perhaps a low table or desk, maybe a large stack of jizz-crusted vintage titty mags—it’s up to you! No other erotic accessories are required, which is great, because it means you can do the Eiffel 69 just about anywhere you can find three other hornies with the time and energy for a baroque and acrobatic bone session.
The first two participants must stand, facing each other with the platform in between them. With legs spread wide for balance, their hands are touching in a classic high-five. At orgiastic peaks of carnal bliss, their fingers may intertwine into a sweaty, sensuous clasp.
Donald Ducking is allowed, as long as the lower genitals are fully accessible. If a standing participant has a vagina, they wear a strap-on. If they have a penis, it is erect and ready to thrust into an orifice. Hell, they can even wear a strap-on if they have a dick, and pretend they have two dicks, and switch back and forth yelling “I have two dicks!” Eiffel 69 is about creativity.
The other two participants must arrange their bodies on the raised platform in a variation of the 69 position. The person on the bottom is performing cunnilingus or fellatio on the person on top, and the person on top is returning the favor.
The 69ers are also being penetrated by the two people standing up and high-fiving each other, either anally or vaginally, depending on gender and preference. For variety, the 69ers may pause their tongue-based ministrations on each other and fellate the real or artificial cocks of the standing people. Salad-tossing is also permitted but may be impractical, depending on neck flexibility.
So, to recap: The standing people are fucking the 69ing people while the 69ing people 69. The standing people are giving each other a reassuring high-five. The 69ing people are very busy being both penetrated and orally pleasured, but they can also high-five if they want. The standing people can use the hands that aren’t high-fiving to hold their dicks or stroke the hair of the 69ers or record the feat on their iPhone. If they have extremely long torsos and good balance, they can attempt to kiss each other.
You don’t have to play Eiffel 65 songs in the background while you attempt this position, but it doesn’t hurt. Chumbawumba is an acceptable but inferior alternative. Playing “The Boys Are Back In Town” on repeat is also totally fine, but if you play Kid Rock’s “All Summer Long” everyone has to stop having sex immediately and also go to prison.
Everyone is encouraged to try each position in the Eiffel 69. Unlike in the case of the Human Centipede, there is no one position that is objectively better. They’re all great!! If you’ve gone out of your way to have a physically and mentally demanding unconventional four-way, you might as well go all out.
As for the type of high-five, obviously there’s a lot of room to experiment. Will you do a “down-low, too slow?” Sure, if you want to, but be aware that going “down low” may result in your hand getting licked by the 69ers. I do not recommend “pull my finger” but hey, I’m not you.
Do I consider myself the Thomas Edison of sex positions? No. The telephone is like missionary—important, but played out. Do I consider myself the Evan “Snapchat” Spiegel of sex positions? Yes. I have created something unnecessary, juvenile, and distinctly not user-friendly—yet it holds an undeniable power.
We went to the Moon. Why do we shy away from climbing towards the outer reaches of sexual possibility?
I could think bigger. Imagine adding a fifth and six person to the mix, suspending in sex swings. Maybe even a seventh or eight. Limbs caressing and holes filled in a dense tangle, a Rat King for sex humans. Potentially, with some sort of custom-built support structure, this position could accommodate even more people—up to, I dare say, 69. This is a world we could live in.
Why fuck in an objectively logistically challenging and unattempted lust quadrangle, you ask?
Because I thought of it, and now, it exists.
Illustration by Queen Tara Jacoby