20 Ridiculous Steps to Recharging a Man's 'Battery'

A man is like an appliance. No. No, let's try that again. See. A man is like a rugged, fierce warrior. Or, maybe. Hmmm. A man is still like a child. Either way, newsflash: Men have it really hard out there, and the world is like a giant, juice-sucking man-energy drainer. So when they come home they need the kind of woman who understands that, and wants to help him re-up. The kind of woman that knows that coming home doesn't even necessarily involve any talking. It just means being there, and out of the way, or in the way is OK, but only if it's in such a way that it doesn't get in the way of him doing what he needs to do: recharging. You know, building back up the old man juice. Propping him back up for the world to just knock down again. Because that's what he REALLY wants in a relationship.

According to Dr. Adam Sheck. In a nutty nutbag piece of nutbaggery, a psychologist who uses expressions like "rat race" and "fight the good fight" and doesn't appear to be going for actual laughs has thrown down the relationship gauntlet and laid out what men actually truly really all want, every last one of them. It's not a maid, not a cook, not a trophy wife, and not a fuck buddy. It's actually "pretty basic." Whew! Because if it was even remotely complicated, I'd bail faster than you could say where's the recharge cord thingy. That's just me. I don't know about you, but I won't have my relationship taking any ACTUAL WORK.

What men REALLY want in a relationship, is a safe place to recharge and renew themselves in order to go back out and face the world and “fight the good fight.” What men want is a safe, secure, STRESS-FREE environment where we can recover from dealing with the “rat-race” and just relax.

What men want is a place where we can be ourselves, without putting on the facade that the world sometimes demands. We want a place where we don’t have to be on our best behavior, where we don’t have to walk on egg shells and where we don’t have to pretend that we’re something we’re not.

We want a place where we can be accepted for who we are and for who we are not! What men want is consistency and routine, because that is what relaxes us. ”Same place, same thing” calms us down. Yes, we like change and excitement from time to time, but what we really want in our primary relationship is a place where we can be at peace, where we don’t have to have our “fight or flight” response triggered. We’re activated enough in the work world, we don’t want our relationship to be like a second job!

So you want like, an ultimate Lair of Chill? The old kick-back and put-em-up? One that never places any demands on you to do anything, or be anything? Sounds like a great place for you, but what about US? But unfortunately, you don't include any tips for women on how to be the most low-maintenance Betty on the block. So let's do this!

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Step 1. Imagine your boyfriend is The Predator.

Men are more susceptible to being physiologically aroused. Yes, THAT way, too, but I mean in terms of “fight or flight” and being ready to fight off attacks from the dinosaurs and sabertooth tigers.

Step 2. Imagine The Predator just came home to you and needs some CHILL TIME.

That’s what our bodies tell us to do and so we have relationships in order to take a break from that, in order to give our systems a rest, to renew ourselves.

Step 3. Find The Predator's cord. If you can't find his cord right away, look for a part of his body that most likely resembles an extension or a cord-like — oh.

Step 4: Take his cord and gently tug on it until it's long enough to plug into the recharger.

Step 5. The recharger is your mouth.

Step 6. Kidding! It's your vagina.

Step 7. Fine, it's both.

Step 8. Duh, you have other holes, too, dummy-kins. Like 19, if you really think about it.

Step 9. But turn that talky one down, will ya? Because "When I’m in a relationship, I’m happy just knowing that my partner is in the house, we don’t even need to talk."

Step 10. Give him plenty of soil, sunlight and water while hovering nearby.

Attachment theory tells us that one stage of childhood is that time where we have started to break away from mommy and become more independent. We play with our friends and have fun, but every once in a while we take a look back and connect to mommy, maybe just eye contact, to make sure that she is there and that everything is okay.

Step 11. Then go away.

And then we can get back to play. We need a “secure base” to launch from in order to explore our world and when necessary we need a “safe haven” to seek comfort from that world.

Step 12. Then come back.

We don’t necessarily want or need to interact with them constantly, just “check in” or “touch base.”

Step 13. Only use words if absolutely necessary.

…we do interact as well, but there’s something comforting in just knowing that someone is there.

Step 14. Don't make him do more than one thing at a time.

As men we don’t want to multitask.

Step 15. But also remember again to not make him use words?

…and we don’t want to speak in the language of feelings.

Step 16. Be very, very, very quiet.

Step 17. Scalp massage!

Step 18. Now put your hands right…there…and….just…push….oh yeah. Hey wait, are you just getting me to do the stuff YOU want in a relationship and pretending it's what ALL guys want?

Step 19. DING DING DING!

And of course, it is certainly possible that I’m simply projecting what I personally want in a relationship and backing it up with psychological data, it’s happened before. Once again, it is up to YOU, the reader, to decide what is true for yourself.

Step 20. Date The Predator's brother.