2-Year-Old Girl Breaks Archery Record, Reminds Us We're Failures

While you were busy braying at the moon about the death of One Direction, an Indian two-year-old was kicking ass, taking names and ensuring her triumph and victory in any number of possible dystopian situations (zombies, Hunger Games, The Oregon Trail) in the future. Meet Dolly Shivani Cherukuri, the kid to be envious of today.

Dolly, who was only days from her third birthday when she broke the record, is the youngest Indian to score more than 200 points at an archery trial. But she didn’t just break a record, she shot it into tiny irreparable pieces by scoring 388 points in total. Using a specially made bow and arrow, the bundle of adorable lethality shot 52 arrows at targets 15 and 21 feet away. What were you doing at two? Were you potty-trained? Could you write your own name? Whatever it was, Dolly is probably doing it better. But don’t despair, it’s not like this is an accident.

According to The Telegraph, Dolly comes from a family of archers and was ready to shoot while “in the womb.” She practices for a reasonable two to three hours a day (there was nothing I could do for that long at two besides nap and even that was 50/50) and her father runs his own archery school. With odds like that, it’s probable that this is only the first we’ll hear of Dolly, unless she burns out quickly and chooses to do something less impressive with her life. As it is, I can imagine moms all over the world reading this article and then calling up their kids to ask why they can’t even get married at 30 when a two-year-old is working her way on getting into the Guinness Book of World Records.

“Listen, I’m not trying to push you or anything,” the message will go. “And I’m so proud of your fancy job and love little Mittens — who is a cat — as my own grandchild. But I’m reading about this two-year-old here and she’s simply amazing. I’m sending you the article for inspiration and I’m not asking for much, but if this child — she’s a goddamn child — can break a world record, the least you can do is give me a grandchild. Or a wedding. I’m not picky!”

Thanks, Dolly. Thanks a lot.

Here’s video of the prodigy in action. Check out her bow technique and her real-as-hell stretches. This toddler isn’t messing around.