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The world isn’t necessarily going to end because Donald Trump was elected president. It’s going to end because we’ve squeezed the natural gasses out of it like a dirty sponge; it’s going to end because the singularity has already arrived; it’s going to end because we are massively overdue for an extinction-level event.

Still, in the face of it all, we’ve managed to show impressive mental fortitude (or at least, most of us have), and continue to find meaning and substance in our lives. For instance, I felt real joy because of this tweet:

But, as we know, that joy is tenuous. Death and destruction lurk underneath every benign interaction—the end of the world around every corner; powering every Dunkin’ Donuts; causing every subway delay.

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So, I’ve compiled 100 ways the world could end in 2017. Why? Not because I want to, but because this is the only blog I’m able to write. And because I want to be able to point to this next October and be like, “What’d I say?”

  1. Asteroid
  2. Gamma-ray burst
  3. Black hole swallows us up like an Advil
  4. Massive global inflation
  5. Ice caps melt and flood the cities, causing the economy to collapse and everyone to starve
  6. Trump triggers World War III with a tweet
  7. Trump triggers World War III because he has low blood sugar
  8. Trump triggers World War III because he is bored
  9. Methane gas from sheep farts overheats the globe
  10. The whole population decides, “Nah,” and spontaneously drops dead
  11. A giant burp
  12. Death Star shoots us with lasers
  13. Death Star shoots us with gas that makes us very lazy and we starve
  14. The oceans evaporate
  15. Insects turn on us
  16. Solar flares
  17. Magnetic poles switch, making all our magnets break—even the important ones
  18. Chemtrails suddenly real
  19. God
  20. Insanity
  21. One person starts screaming, then another, then we all are
  22. The dead rise up and challenge the living to a war, which we lose
  23. Big hack
  24. Apes gain the ability to organize and rise up against us
  25. Fish gain the ability to organize and rise up against us
  26. People forget penmanship and no one can sign credit card receipts anymore, causing us to starve
  27. Bees all die
  28. We all become gluten intolerant
  29. A bunch of sinkholes at once
  30. Galaxy-sized man slides into our area and punts us like a soccer ball
  31. Ebola 2: More Ebola Than Ever
  32. Apple products become sentient and go on a labor strike
  33. CERN messes up a particle accelerator experiment and creates dark matter which eats us all up
  34. Dog whistle, but for humans; drives us crazy
  35. Jesus comes back and we are startled and nuke it all
  36. Viola Davis gives us one of her searing looks
  37. Aliens visit and kill us with space warfare
  38. Aliens visit and it’s “Arrival” but the alternate ending where the Chinese got their way
  39. Aliens visit and seduce us into being their slaves and then we are just shells of who we used to be (the world continues to exist but for what?)
  40. Sex starts to feel weird and it never stops feeling like that
  41. Melancholia bumps into us
  42. Cicadas come back like usual but they don’t die... think about it
  43. Nano-machines begin rapidly reproducing and turn the world to dust
  44. Lack of content
  45. Rise of the Whos
  46. Weak ankles (even the animals)
  47. First-borns die of feeling superior
  48. Poison in drinking water
  49. Poison in rain (acid rain, maybe)
  50. Poison in rice
  51. Poison in our hearts—the poison of corruption
  52. Microscopic algae alters atmosphere so we can’t breathe
  53. Dig up Three Mile Island and everyone gets cancer (even the plants)
  54. Dig up Chernobyl and we all turn blue
  55. Dig up Titanic (from the water) and we all die at once from being so moved
  56. The internet gains sentience and teaches us a lesson for using it wrong
  57. Computer that’s controlling our Matrix-like simulation crashes and we all wake up and then instantly die of shock
  58. All the glasses stores close and everyone is blind (who will drive the ships)
  59. Fatal fungus
  60. Elon Musk makes several big mistakes
  61. It’s actually a novel and someone turns a page and then its just the end of it
  62. Leonardo DiCaprio has been storing up methane from the sheep and then one day he farts and the Earth instantly warms to 1000 degrees
  63. Malevolent company takes control of all the televisions and forces us to watch nothing but The Big Bang Theory
  64. Jupiter changes orbit and knocks into us
  65. All the locks on all the zoo cages spontaneously break at once
  66. Java stops working
  67. Pestilence
  68. Super-volcano eruption
  69. Men become so woke they die; world nice for one last generation
  70. Gravity reverses and we start floating
  71. Emily Ratajkowski wins an Oscar
  72. Lightning storm sets every meadow including Meadow Soprano on fire, and then there are no meadows; grazing animals die
  73. Earth is actually a marble and it gets lost
  74. Earth is a marble and it falls down a drain pipe
  75. Earth is a marble and a child swallows it
  76. The worst tweetstorm
  77. Someone creates a child-kitten hybrid and we die of love
  78. We all become hooked on a diet pill that is actually cyanide
  79. Jonestown massacre, but bigger
  80. Someone starts chemical warfare and then misplaces the antidote
  81. Children all decide not to get older
  82. A man snatches a lollipop from a baby and then: Butterfly effect
  83. Everyone is depressed and misses one day of work, but it’s the same day
  84. Comet collision
  85. Dinosaurs come back
  86. Star explodes nearby
  87. Sun gets hotter
  88. We are all Westworld hosts and the programmers die or quit
  89. Get addicted to rollercoasters but supply can’t keep up with demand
  90. Pave paradise and put up parking lot
  91. Stop being able to tell facts from lies, all communication collapses
  92. Someone snips all the underwater internet cables
  93. God dutch-ovens us (global warming)
  94. Sea level rises too much and we aren’t strong swimmers
  95. Earth swings off axis and sends us into space
  96. Everyone gets a bad haircut and then no one wants to do it anymore
  97. Too much body odor
  98. Too little body odor
  99. Everyone simultaneously forgets their social security numbers (and international equivalents), bureaucratic gridlock
  100. Bird revolution