If there's one thing I know about women, it's that there are 11 types of us: ten types that men do not want to marry, and then the wife type. If you're one of the ten gross unwifeable kinds, WOE BETIDE YOU, because not only are you dumb and annoying and probably love your mom too much, you also can't fulfill your womanly prime directive! Which is to get married. At all cost. To whomever. AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
At least, that's what I learned from Samantha Daniels's "10 Types of Women That Men Do Not Want to Marry," a handy personality checklist for women who just want to be married to anyone no matter what and are eager to carve up their personalities into a freakish amalgam of bland woman-tropes so they can land the kind of man who likes women who aren't human beings. In other words...rrrrrrrromance! The 10 types of unmarriageable hags include: Miss "I Have Daddy Issues," Miss "I Want To Change You," Miss "Bossy Pants," Miss "I Live For You And I Have Nothing Else Going On," Miss "I Speak To My Mother Five Times A Day About Everything," and Miss "I Don't Eat."
Because yep. That's what people are like! We just have one personality trait each, like Smurfs. (Be sure to tune in for next week's column: "The One Type of Female Smurf that All the Other Smurfs Except One Totally Want to Bang.")
But turnabout is fair play—ladies shouldn't have to settle for just any old man, and we shouldn't be the only ones invested in self-improvement in the name of wedlock. So, after thorough scientific research, I've made my own equally sensical list, dividing all the men on earth into the ten types of men that there are. On earth. Make sure you're not any of these men and you will definitely get a whole bunch of wives—guaranteed! It's science like that!
1. Mr. "Oh No! What's My Job? I Don't Have a Job!"
Soooooo typical. The old "I fell off the belltower and got amnesia and now I've reverted to my wise-cracking high school alter-ego 'T-Bone' and I can't remember what my job is" excuse. If I had a nickel for every time I heard that one, I wouldn't have to date guys with jobs! I'd be nickel-rich!!!
2. Mr. "Lives with Parents"
Oh, but not with his parents. Sorry for the confusion. He just got drunk one time, wandered into some random house, went to sleep in the baby's room, and started calling the people who live there Mommy and Daddy. It's like, grow up, Reggie.
3. Mr. "Nyeeehhhhhhh, I Work for the Phone Company and I'm Wearing a Windbreaker"
Yeah, it's pretty cool that you're impervious to wind, but quit being so fucking smug.
4. Mr. "Shipwrecked on a Deserted Island"
That dude is never going to be president.
5. Mr. "I Have Bee Beard and I'm Jealous of Other People with Better Bee Beards"
Obviously not good husband material—he can't even get good bees!
6. Mr. "Pretends to Be a Suit of Armor with a Guy Inside but Instead Is Just an Empty Suit of Armor Animated By a Ghost"
SO TIRED OF MY DATES
WALKING OUT ON ME DISSIPATING INTO THE NIGHT AIR WITH A KEENING WAIL JUST BECAUSE I CRACKED OPEN THE VISOR ON THEIR GREATHELM.
7. Mr. "Has a Close Relationship with His Family and Friends and Often Puts Others' Happiness Before His Own but Not in a Destructive Way, Just a Nice Way"
8. Mr. "Bag of Hair Who Can't Stand Your Mother"
Not only is he a bag of damp human hair incapable of thought or speech—or much of anything, really, except for accruing mildew and deterring superstitious burglars (try leaving him on your windowsill at night!)—he doesn't even like your mother. Dealbreaker!!!
9. Mr. "Always Makes You Be Both Halves of the Two-Person Horse Costume"
Then he calls you "Mrs. Horse" in front of the neighbors.
10. Mr. "Belvedere"
Been there, done that. YOU BURNED ME ONCE, LYNN BELVEDERE. Never again. Never again.
Look. Here's what this silly joke article means. Marriage for marriage's sake isn't how people become happy. Married you will be no happier than single you. Changing your own unhealthy impulses, for the sake of marriage as an end in itself, is not a healthy impulse. There are no "types" of people that "men" or "women" want to marry, and there's no listicle that's going to heal your loneliness. There are people and then there are other people and sometimes people fall in love with each other despite their faults and they get married or they don't and it works out or it doesn't. So work on yourself, fine—work on your bee beard, work on your clinginess—but do it because it's good for you. Making marriage your goal (instead of, say, happiness! Or compatibility!) is like saving up all your money to buy a really expensive lottery ticket. Quit it.
Image by Jim Cooke.