Zsa Zsa Crowned World's Ugliest Dog in a Very Tight Race 

Dogs, meet your new queen.

Zsa Zsa the bulldog bagged the “World’s Ugliest Dog” title at the Sonoma-Marin Fair last night in California, beating out 14 very fierce competitors. Charlie, aka “Zombie Dog,” was serving a straight-out-of-the-pet-cemetery look with sparse hair coverage which one would think was bound to woo the judges. But you can’t coast on looks alone in the world of dog contests; you better bring per son a li ty bitches, and bow-legged Zsa Zsa’s “shower of slobber” flying off her exceptionally droopy tongue apparently put her over the edge, according to the news release. One hopes that serious consideration was also given to the crazy-eyed “naturally hairless mutant” Rascal Deux, six-time Ugly Dog contest winner, but Chinese Cresteds have tended to excel in this contest, so maybe it just wasn’t his year.

In an all-star race, Zsa Zsa would face off against blind and skeletal Chinese crested SweePee Rambo (2016), the “half dog” Quasi Modo (2015), and animal cruelty survivor Peanut (2014) with vampire teeth. We have yet to see any one rival late three-time winner Sam (2003-2005), who passed in 2005 according to Wikipedia, and was absolutely fucking terrifying.

Like most of her contenders, Zsa Zsa has had a tough life; she was rescued from a puppy mill where she was bred for five years. Now basking in celebrity and 1,500 bucks, she and her mom Megan Brainard are on their way to the Today Show.

Congratulations to Zsa Zsa and all ugly dogs who have no concept of human beauty constructs.