Your Womb Is Full of Tiny Dead Babies, Says Pastor Who Certainly Understands a Lot About Medical Science and Wombs

This is a little stale, but let’s make fun of it anyway, shall we? Colorado pastor and completely heterosexual sperm-warrior for Jesus Kevin Swanson—whose previous hits include “Gays will burn Christians at the stake!” and “Gays lured Hurricane Sandy to New York with their tantalizing buttholes!”—has now taken on that scourge known as the BIRTH CONTROL PILL. After speaking with “certain doctors and scientists” who are definitely not stuffed animals, Swanson learned some truly chilling “facts” about how lady-parts work. I’ll let him take it from here:

I’m beginning to get some evidence from certain doctors and scientists that have done, uh, research on women’s wombs after they’ve gone through the surgery. And they’ve compared the wombs of women who were on birth control pill versus those who were not on birth control pill, and they have found that with women who were on the birth control pill there are these little tiny fetuses—these little babies—embedded into the womb. They’re just, like, dead babies! On the inside of the womb. And these wombs of women who have been on the birth control pill effectively have become graveyards for lots and lots of little babies.

ALARMING INDEED. Intrigued by Swanson’s research, I consulted a respected doctor-scientist from my local university, and uncovered a whole bunch of other substances that have been found in the birth-controlled wombs of scarlet women:

teeth
snails
other, smaller wombs
watermelon rinds
a grizzled undertaker
apples
Jimmy Hoffa
tiny living babies
a bar of soap with a hair on it
Desmond from Lost
pine cones
hot lava
pieces of curb
Turtle Man
eels
goblins
imps
Hitler’s mustache
a DVD of Scrubs, season 4
a portal to John Malkovich’s brain