Your Underwear Is A Window To Your Sexy Soul

In 10 Things I Hate About You, we were told that black underwear means you plan on having sex. A new survey kind of confirms it. Among other sweeping generalizations!

We’re sort of confused about this poll, since the Daily Mail describes it thusly, and it’s the Daily Mail doing the describing: “Expert Donna Dawson drew up her list after a poll for laundry experts Dr Beckmann found almost three quarters of women now opt for ‘nude’ underwear – which means they have ‘nothing to hide’.” More details on “the poll for laundry experts Dr. Beckmann” were not forthcoming, nor did we learn in what, exactly, Dawson herself specialized. Something that allows her to give authoritative pronouncements on what different undies mean, apparently.

Before we lay out the result, it bears saying that Dawson and the Fail attribute the rise in nude’s popularity to celebrity endorsements, quoting Eva Mendes on the subject then showing pictures of Mendes and Katy Perry in lingerie that’s not exactly nude so much as taupe and mauve. We’re more inclined to cite its increased availability and the fact that it goes with everything, transparent or not. But if you’re part of that 75%, good news: you’re “Relaxed, with nothing to hide.” The other choices?

Red: Passionate, energetic and driven
Pink: Romantic, gentle and in need of affection
Black: Powerful but sultry
White: Innocent, but open to suggestion

It seems like kind of a moot point, since anyone likely to see your undies (barring a creepy super whom one of my friends had to deal with) is probably already in a position to ascertain stuff about your sexual habits first-hand. (We continue to ascribe a priest-like level of discretion to any woman working in lingerie sales.) If, like most of the world, you find you either don’t fall into a single category or don’t find all colors equally flattering or else have been brainwashed by decades of advertising that have branded red and black “sexy,” well, fret not. You’re still allowed to be passionate and powerful even in pink. We have a sneaking suspicion, though, that these findings are going to be of the most use to third-rate pick-up artists, who may try this as an opening “neg” gambit — coming to a bar near you this weekend.

Are You A Willing Learner? Colour Of Woman’s Underwear Reveals What Sort Of Lover She Is [Daily Mail]