Your Next Boyfriend: The Guy Who Gets Turned On By Farts

Conventional wisdom (or, as the Internet Kids call it, Rule 34) suggests that for everything innocent and nonsexual that exists, there is a porn version of that thing. Everything. The Flintstones, Teletubbies, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. Everything. I’d like to suggest a corollary to that rule: everything that exists gets someone, somewhere hot and bothered. Case in point: this guy in Illinois who is sexually aroused by women passing gas.

It’s called eproctophilia, this getting turned on by farts thing, and it’s been documented for the first time in the Archives of Sexual Behavior by British researchers who were absolutely chuffed to discover that a 22-year-old art graduate (“barista”) has a big hard on for ladies breaking wind.

It’s not the smell of farts that this dude— who researchers have assigned the pseudonym “Brad” to protect what’s left of his dignity — finds erotic. It’s the sound of gas being passed. So silent but deadly types need not apply, I guess.

Brad also told researchers that a lot of his attraction to the sound of farts has to do with the hotness of the woman farting, so you can’t just fart your way into his heart if you’re a plain Jane.

Now, here’s the big question: if you were Brad, at what point would you tell a woman that this was your thing? Consider that if you told her too early in the relationship, she would almost certainly be weirded out. But also consider that many women in relationships engage in elaborate fart-holding-in for months and months before accidentally letting one fly in front of their boyfriends. It’s not comfortable. Imagine the relief a woman would find in knowing that the thing she thought would turn her male companion off was actually getting him off?